Across-the-Board (acrosstheboardblog.com): Dave Chapelle 'Sesame Street' stand-up = hilarious

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Dave Chapelle 'Sesame Street' stand-up = hilarious

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"You gotta figure steak is safer because you figure no one is sticking their fingers in it"

"Telescopic is definitely a real word"

"You know your Mexican if you have a decal on the back of the car with your name- before you even get a license plate."

"Looks like somebody unplugged the power the DJ booth!"

"We are opening a new night club- the slogans going to be: Kansas City's premier HARD dance club!"

"You figure- we probably have the best H-O-R-S-E venue in the nation."

"I fu*kin' love carving pumpkins!"

"1 AM @ Chubbys - "You want chicken fried steak? Ewww, I wanna vomit!"

"If you can stick your fingers in it- and then it gets lost, thats how you know"

"Yeah dude, she totally has side-ass."

"I said yes, she said no, she said shut up..."

"Are you guys really in here folding pocket squares?"

"Last one there's a Penis Pump!"

"DooDoo-DooDoo-Doo-Doo!!"

"Scott the douche!"

"Daddy! I want my oompa loompa now!!"

"I guess the city finally did something about the squirrel problem."

"She's just fat enough- she's probably a freak!"

"I'm going to take a piss in the back yard. / Well that's fine, but thats the front yard."

"While playing H-O-R-S-E: "I f*ckin' hate stadium lights (after the motion light comes on)"

"You'd have a much bigger shaft if you'd do your balls right"

"So is a unicorn just a horse that has one horn sticking out of its head? Oh."

"I’d rather massage a chick with pudding."

"We’re getting a cat and we’re naming it taint."

"You should send her a text message and say that you want to rub her down with applebutter"

"Never send a girl carnations unless you want her to say, 'Crap, I got carnations.'"

"I've decided photos of girls on boats are sexier than photos of girls on the beach."

"I’m worried that I’m going to run out of people to ask to be friends on Facebook."

"Eat it with your hands it's tomato-saucy!"

"I hate when movies try to make food visually stimulating."

"She's been living for 16 years in KY jelly./Yeah, that can't be good on your eyebrows"

"I think pregnant ladies are scary"

"I think we should wait till it's late./When we get back it will be late./Exactly"

"The party is at Jerry's Bait Shop! OH-OH"

"I can't, I have to start studying for a final I have in two days... and I haven't even taken the book out of the saran wrap."

"I don’t have to ask her for permission, I just have to persuade her to let me."

"You should have paddled him with your penis at his wedding!"

"Jeez-la-weez!"/Did you really just say Jeez-la-weez?"

"Listen here bucko!/Did you really just say bucko?"

"[Ramsey barges into Paul’s house and interrupts a group of people watching a serious movie with the lights dimmed], “Paul you’re such a damn liar, and you smell like ham” – Drunk Ramsey after the Rascal Flatts concert

"(calling me from the casino buffet) Dude -- quit screen your calls, I wanted to tell you about the crazy amount of food I ate, I seriously, you’re probably going to think this is an exaggeration but it’s not. [excited] I ate two steaks, probably about 35 shrimp, a thing of carved turkey, a baked potato crab, a crab rangoon, some fried rice, two rolls, and a teeny piece of pie at the end. Fucking most food I’ve ever eaten -- this place is fuckin’ [short pause] we have got to start coming here on Thursdays! Anyways, I’ll be home in a little bit, later bye."

"Birth control is the best invention ever... [pause], so are condoms"

"So I've been thinking of taking up smoking as a hobby..."

"You would of been funny in the 80's"

"I wonder what T.J. Ford is up to?"

"You made out with him because you wanted to feel his suede jacket? That's awesome."

"Júlio… Baptista!! A.K.A. ‘the bat’"

"Fuckin' cock block!"

"Dude, I’d rather rollerblade on a treadmill"

"Scott: Craig's List is awesome! Ramsey: Really? What do you look for? Scott: Oh, you know -- snowboards, motorcycles, and bed frames. Ramsey: Wait, what? Dude, that's pretty random shit."

"Can I have a dollar!!!!!"

"This is the best day ever! - Andy (from the Bachelor -- yeah, we watched it)

"My tires will not miss all the pot holes Lawrence, KS has to offer"

"I'm still pissed none of Paris Hilton's singles were popular"

"Whoa dude, look... boobs."

"Feverdo"

"Take a right, take a right..."

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Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Dave Chapelle 'Sesame Street' stand-up = hilarious

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