Overheard on the streets of New York:

Angry guy: Fuck her and fuck her wedding. I piss on her nuptials. I shit on her nuptials.
Angry wife: I know. I know. But we still have to send a gift.
Angry guy: A gift? I should shit in a box! Tomorrow you get a box from Tiffany's. Today I eat walnuts!
-Trader Joe's, 14th St

Preppy guy waiting for walk signal: Hi there.
Hot girl: Um, do I know you?
Preppy guy: No, I was just being friendly...
Hot girl: Oh, yeah? Well then why don't you say hi to her, too? [Points to fat chick nearby.]
Preppy guy, to himself: God, I hate New Yorkers...
-Central Park

Mother to three-year-old daughter: Hey, it's Santa on the phone. And you know what he says? Stop taking my credit cards.
-Metro-North train

Girl: Damn, it's really cold!
Guy: I know! I hate having to smoke outside in this weather.
Girl: Totally -- they should let us smoke inside when it gets like this. Cold weather is bad for your health, y'know?
-29th St, Astoria

Blonde looking in compact: I need a new nose.
Boyfriend: I need a new apartment.
Blonde, whiny: It's always your needs! What about mine?!
Boyfriend: You just spent five thousand dollars on your fucking tits with my money!
Server waiting to take order: I'll come back when you two are ready...
-Olive Garden, Chelsea

Girl #1: So, when he was done I turned over and pressed my 'that was easy button' from Staples.
Girl #2: Oh my god.
Girl #1: Yeah, but now he won't text me back.
-Orchard & Rivington

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