Overheard on the streets of New York:

Chick: Since we broke up you've been smoking a lot.
Guy: Yeah...
Chick: You shouldn't smoke.
Guy: You shouldn't suck so much dick but you don't hear me criticize you five times a day.
Chick: [Mouth wide open in shock.]
Guy: To start you should try closing your mouth!
--B Train

Dad to pre-teen daughter about mom: She is on the rag today. Don't talk to her this moringing, she's got an attitude.
--R Train

Homeless man: Hello, everyone. My name is Mike*, and I'm homeless and starving. If you have any- [His cell phone rings.] Excuse me. [Picks up phone.] I'm working, man, what's up?
--Q Train

Woman dragging her dog away from another dog who is barking frantically: You know what? You're just cuter than her. That's why she's so upset.
--Ditmars Blvd, Astoria

White Girl: I'm leaving this city, it's all just bed bugs and bad drugs.
--Queensboro Plaza

Upper-East-Side lady on cell: I know, but I was at a funeral all day...Yeah, it was sad, but I really didn't know him at all...This saddest thing was seeing his daughters upset. They're the same ages as--Wow! This shirt is only $19!! You can't even buy a freaking Frappuccino for $19! I'm getting it in blue.
--Banana Republic, 86th & 3rd

Male student #1: Your sister has the best tasting punani in New York.
Male student #2: I'll pay for lunch if you promise not to say that again.
--Columbia University
via

Overheard on the streets of New York:

Pissed girlfriend: You never want to do anything fun.
Exasperated boyfriend: That's because everything you call 'fun' involves heroin or fire.
--Union Square

Girl, while leaving screening of "I am legend": Okay... I cannot believe the woman did not know Bob Marley! I mean, that had to be the most unrealistic thing in that entire film.
--Fresh Meadows, Queens

Little boy holding pack of Orbitz gum: Mommy, is this kosher?
Mother: Sweetie, how many times do I have to tell you that we aren't Jewish?
--Duane Reade, 50th & Broadway

Angry wife to husband: You are so patronistic. I seriously can't stand how fucking patronistic you are.
--56th & 5th

Queer Sales Associate, at promotion for Vera Wang Princess perfume: Are you a princess?
Girl: No
Queer Sales Associate: Then what are you?
Girl: A sex goddess, bitch.
--1st Floor, Macy's

via

Overheard on the streets of New York:

Woman: You don't remember me, do you?
Older man: Your face looks familiar...
Woman: You saw me running down the street naked last weekend.
Older man: Why would I remember your face, then?
--Ditmars Blvd, Astoria

Big thug #1: ... And I was like, 'No fuckin' way.'
Big thug #2: Yeah, nigga. That shit is like magic.
Big thug #1: I know, nigga. I did it. I went home and I ordered the new Harry Potter from Amazon. That shit came the next day. It was like magic.
--14th & 6th

Mom to seven-year-old crossing street: Be careful, dear. You don't want to get run over or we can't have sushi.
--78th & Amsterdam

Dude with clipboard to couple passing by: Excuse me, you two! Sign this! It's your independent right as an American.
Guy: No, thanks. I hate rights.
Chick: Yeah, just being told what to do rocks.
Guy: Conforming is sweet.
--Bleecker St

Girl #1: So, we have a bet -- if I have sex first, then I have to wear a shirt that she's written all over, but if she-- [looks around].
Girl #2: If she what?
Girl #1: ... I'll tell you later. I feel like people are listening, and I don't want to end up on some website.
--Starbucks, 51st & Broadway

Teacher, guiding field trip: Don't you look cute today, April?! I love your dress. I wish I could wear one like it.
Kindergarten girl: Maybe if you lost some weight, you could.
--L train
via

Overheard on the streets of New York:

Girl #1: So, we have a bet -- if I have sex first, then I have to wear a shirt that she's written all over, but if she-- [looks around].
Girl #2: If she what?
Girl #1: ... I'll tell you later. I feel like people are listening, and I don't want to end up on some website.
--Starbucks, 51st & Broadway

Teacher, guiding field trip: Don't you look cute today, April?! I love your dress. I wish I could wear one like it.
Kindergarten girl: Maybe if you lost some weight, you could.
--L train

Stressed manny watching three kids: Ugh! [Under his breath] I'm gonna kill myself...
Little girl: Here's a knife [cheerily hands him a butter knife].
--W Hotel Restaurant, 17th & Park

Mom, looking at bedding: Oooh, this one is nice.
Daughter: Mom, I'm getting married. I want to have sex. Lots of it. Hot, steamy, nasty, married-people sex. I just don't think I can do that on pastels.
--JCPenney bridal registry

Flight attendant: Once again, please remain seated until the captain does turn off the 'Fasten seatbelt' sign... That includes all passengers in row nine... That includes all passengers wearing a blue polo... Yes, thank you, and have a great day.
--JFK

Flight attendant: ... And if you do require anything during this flight, simply press the button located above your head. Do not approach the galley, as it scares the hell out of me and I am not emotionally prepared to handle that today.
--LaGuardia

20-ish guy on cell: Yeah... Yeah, I talked to the cops, too! I told them I would kick her fucking jaw in if I didn't get my money! Ma... Yeah, Ma, you know I don't care!
--Thompson St, between W 3rd & Bleecker
via

Overheard on the streets of New York:

Stuffy white lady pushing stroller, to friend: I can't believe people are actually taking Justin Timberlake seriously these days.
Hipster crossing East: He brought sexy back, bitch! What the hell did you do?
--Central Park West

Health student #1: It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a women's separation to increase the population of the younger generation. I got this information from the board of education...
Health student #2: No, it should go like this: It's a man's obligation to stick his cockulation into a women's ventilation to increase the population of the younger generation of our nation. I got this information from the board of education. If you want a demonstration, lie down.
--Middle school, Manhattan

Dude #1: They have been underestimating my power.
Dude #2: What?
Dude #1: They have been underestimating my power for quite some time now.
Dude #2: What are you, a supervillain? Who's been underestimating your power? The justice league?
Dude #1: No, the electric company. They say I owe them eight hundred dollars.
Dude #2: Dude, you and I were having two totally different conversations.
--Penn Station

Texting guy: Hey, I tried to type 'nipple pasties,' and the phone knew the word 'pasties'!
Friend: ... Why are you texting 'nipple pasties'?
--Wyckoff & Stanhope, Brooklyn

Girlfriend: Get up!
Boyfriend, lying flat on back with vomit on shirt: You are the worst girlfriend I've ever had.
--2nd Ave, between 10th & 11th St

Drunk woman in long fur coat: Oh, you have to be fucking kidding me! I gotta pee!
Tourist: Yeah, we've been waiting for a while. [Nods in direction of unattended mop soaking in bucket, and laughs] I mean, you could always use that thing, I guess.
Drunk woman: Okay, alright -- just tell me if anyone is coming! [Hikes up coat and begins to pee in bucket.]
Tourist: Jesus Christ! I've been here one day, and I'm responsible for encouraging public urination.
--Line for restroom, McDonald's, Times Square

Blonde tourist #1: I think we have plenty of time before our train leaves. What time is it?
Blonde tourist #2: I have no idea. My cell phone is dead. [To passing suit] Um, sir? Do you know what time it is?
Suit, rolling his eyes up at huge clock, then at blondes: Nope.
--Grand Central info booth with four-sided clock on top
via

Overheard on the streets of New York:

Cashier: How are you?
Customer: Do you want the honest answer?
Cashier: Yes.
Customer: I feel like the business end of a donkey. I am extremely hungover and did a mountain of cocaine last night. Now I have to make dinner for a 68-year-old gay artist who is trying to fuck me.
Cashier: I'm... sorry.
Customer: And the woman I love is in another state pregnant with her ex-boyfriend's baby, and I wish the baby was mine. And I'm sleeping with a dominatrix. And it's all true.
--Whole Foods

Grandson: I wanna watch that show Chuck -- about the spy.
Grandma: Cluck? It's called 'Cluck'?
Grandson: Chuck. He's a spy.
Grandma: Cluck? Like a chicken?
Grandson: Grandma, you're stupid.
Grandma: I just don't think a chicken would make a good spy. He'd always be clucking.
Grandson: He's not a chicken, he's a spy.
Grandma: But then again, no one expects a chicken... Damn chickens...
-L train

White mom: Which kitty is your favorite?
Little girl holding book of baby animals: The black one!
Mom: The black one? He sure is a cute kitty.
Little girl, loudly: Once you go black, you never go back!
Passing thug, flashing her a thumbs-up: Word!
White mom: I don't care what your father says, we are so moving to Westchester.
-Commodore Barry Park, Fort Greene, Brooklyn
via

Overheard on the streets of New York:

20-something girl: They didn't have tampons, so I got Smirnoff Ice.
--Lincoln Place & Bedford Ave

White mom: Which kitty is your favorite?
Little girl holding book of baby animals: The black one!
Mom: The black one? He sure is a cute kitty.
Little girl, loudly: Once you go black, you never go back!
Passing thug, flashing her a thumbs-up: Word!
White mom: I don't care what your father says, we are so moving to Westchester.
--Commodore Barry Park, Fort Greene, Brooklyn

Girl: I'll have a dozen bagels.
Bagel guy: I can't pass up on this opportunity. I have to tell you that you're really cute.
Girl: [Blushes.]
Bagel guy: Do you know what the difference between cute and not cute is?
Girl: ... Nooo, what?
Bagel guy: Three bagels. [Hands girl 15 bagels.]
--Jumbo Bagels, 57th & 2nd

Giggling girl, being examined by friends: What? What?!
Friend: I don't even want to tell you what that is in your hair.
Giggling girl, hopeful: Is it semen?
--Morningside Heights

Cafeteria lady: So, you been good this weekend?
Frat boy: No! Me and my girlfriend got totally shit-faced!
Cafeteria lady: 'My girlfriend and I.'
Frat boy: What?
Cafeteria lady: 'My girlfriend and I got totally shit-faced.'
Frat boy: Whoa! You have a girlfriend?! Hardcore!
--NYU

via

Overheard on the streets of New York:

College guy #1: So I was hooking up with her--
College guy #2: --Dude, she's kinda...
College guy #1: She's not that fat! She's average! I mean, she doesn't outweigh me or anything.
College guy #2: Dude, if you have to convince yourself that she's not fat, she's too fat.
-American Eagle, Union Square

Lady: Stop it!
Rambunctious toddler: You shouldn't even be on this train!
Lady: Why?
Rambunctious toddler: Because I'll poop in your hair!
Lady: Poop in my hair? I'll poop in your mouth!
-N train, Queensboro Plaza

Girl #1: I am not a slut! You're the slut in this friendship! We agreed on this!
Girl #2: Okay, fine, you're not a slut... But you were straddling him.
-E train

Chick #1: So, just out of curiosity, this new girl he's seeing -- is she she cute?
Chick #2: She's okay, but I think she sort of looks like a Muppet.
Chick #1: Really? Well, that can go either way... She can be an ugly Muppet or a cute Muppet.
-Tribeca

Dude: Who would win in a fight, Pinhead or Predator?
Chick: Definitely Predator.
Dude: But wait -- is pinhead real?
-Brooklyn

Drunk chick: Oh my god! Is AOL 'America online'?
Friend: Ummm, yes.
Drunk chick: Holy crap!
Friend: What did you think it was?
Drunk chick: Who the fuck are you? And why do you want to sell me something, you dirty sloot?
Friend: I'm your friend, and you're drunk.
Drunk chick: I am as sober as a cow.
Friend: What the hell?
Drunk chick: What does AOL stand for?
-Grand Central

via

Overheard on the streets of New York:

Boy: Mommy, what will happen if the tram falls into the river?
Mother: We will all die, darling. But I told you not to be afraid of dying!
Boy: But Mommy, I'm only eight! I'm too young to die!
Mother: Well, darling, stuff happens!
-Roosevelt Island tram

Girl on cell, gazing into window of Nine West: Look, I'm with a client right now so I really can't talk, okay?
-50th & 6th

Queer: There are a lot of young kids out there learning how to spell 'glamorous,' and that makes me real happy.
-Canal Jeans Co

New school guy trying to impress girl: You have got to try it. It will change your life. It's like a more mature Smirnoff Ice.
-19th & 8th

Small Canadian mimicking fat kid: You run funny.
Fat kid: Shut up or I'll eat you. I eat Canadians for breakfast.
-Bronx Science

Dude #1: Man, let's get out of here. These girls are ready, and there's free condoms right over there.
Dude #2: No way, man. I wanna jump around to this music some more.
-Irving Plaza

via

Overheard on the streets of New York:

Dad: What's wrong, sweetie?
Two-year-old child model tugging at shirt on set and grimacing: Daddy, I just poopied my diaper.
Dad: I appreciate your honesty.
-Photoshoot, Midtown

Chick: I'm kinda concerned about this lotion I started using. It contains semen.
Dude: Ew... But so what?
Chick: Well, I think that it could make me pregnant. Like, the sperm could seep through my pores and then swim through my blood...
Dude: But your pores don't have fallopian tubes...
Chick: But what if? I bet if I got pregnant, it would be, like, the devil's baby.
Dude: Yeah, and you probably can't abort the devil's baby.
-116th & Broadway

Teen girl #1: Jason called me today and asked me if I was in Bay Ridge.
Teen girl #2: How would he know you were there? Is he stalking you or something?
Teen girl #1: God, I hope so.
-Sheepshead Bay, Brooklyn

Teen girl #1: I'm not even giving a fuck. If I was giving a fuck, I'd tell him I give a fuck, but I'm not giving a fuck, so I'm telling you I'm not giving a fuck.
Teen girl #2: Okay, okay, just shut up.
-14th & 6th

Chipper student: She's a druggie, so she had all sorts of drug memorabilia.
Professor: You mean paraphernalia?
Chipper student: Yeah.
-Pace University

Woman buying bagel: Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. I guess you're not sleeping with my roommate anymore.
Bagel cashier: Hey! How have you been?
-Flatbush Ave

Toddler, pointing out window: Bitch!
Grandmother: Bridge. It's a bridge.
Toddler: Bitch!
-F train

via

Overheard on the streets of New York:

Joking clerk to bitter man holding wife's purse: Nice purse.
Man: Thanks. It came free with the relationship and subsequent castration.
-Fashion Ave

Kindly gent: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Little kid: Retarded!
Kindly gent: Retarded?
Little kid: My grandpa is retarded, and he gets to play and watch TV all day!
Kindly gent: [Stunned silence.]
Kid's mom, embarrassed: He means 'retired.'
Little kid: Retarded! Retarded! Retarded! I wanna be retarded! [Starts to cry.]
-Washington & Water St

Junior analyst #1: I know this guy who is such a typical I-banker -- works a hundred hours a week on Wall Street and spends the rest of his time on strippers and coke.
Junior analyst #2: That's so '80s!
Junior analyst #1: Totally '80s!
-LaGuardia Delta shuttle

History teacher: So, Jane*, why haven't you enlisted in the US military?
Asian bimbette: Um, because you can't shop in Iraq.
-High school, Brooklyn

Girl #1: I'd totally teabag him! Wait, what's the female equivalent of teabag?
Girls #2 & #3: Hmmm...
Queer #1: I dunno -- what do you call it when someone dangles lunch meat in your face?
Queer #2: Roast beef curtains?
Girls: Ewww!
Queer #1: No, no, wait! It's a cold cut swipe!
Everyone: Ewww!
-JFK

Suit #1: She's smart, funny, beautiful... What more could you ask for?
Suit #2: Yeah, but she probably votes. I don't like women that vote.
-Union Station

Asian boy: Why are you wearing a belt over your shirt?
Asian girl: I don't know. I like the way it looks.
Asian boy: Belts are supposed to hold your pants up. It can't hold anything up if it's over your shirt.
Asian girl: It's fashion, okay?! My god!
Asian boy: ... I hope your pants fall down!
-Stuyvesant High

Lady: I had the worst experience at that restaurant.
Friend: What did you have?
Lady: Horrible diarrhea.
Friend: I meant, what did you order?
-51st & 8th

Dude: I'm sorry. I feel like I'm talking too much.
Chick: It's okay -- I like to hear you talk.
Dude: Well, I like to hear you listen.
-9th & 2nd

via

Overheard on the streets of New York:

Blond Tourist Bimbo: I've never even heard of the G Train.
Blond Local Bimbo: Yeah, it's a ghetto train.
Blond Tourist Bimbo: Where does it go?
Blond Local Bimbo: Nowhere.
Black eight-year-old boy: Except my home, bitch.
-G train Hoyt/Schermerhorn station

Guy: I was seeing her for a while, but it just wasn't working out. I guess I'm not over Jessica.
Girl: What?
Guy: What do you mean, what?
Girl: I thought you were gay.
Guy: Oh, because I'm a hairdresser. How original. Just because I'm a hairdresser you think I'm gay.
Girl: No. I thought you were gay because when I stayed at your house four years ago I woke up and saw you fucking Matt in the ass!
Guy: Oh my God. Matt and I have never talked about that night.
-9th & B

Guy #1: I'd totally hit that.
Guy #2: Dude, I'd hit that so hard whoever could pull me out would become the King of England.
-College Walk, Columbia University

Chick: How come we're always talking about how the Jews were persecuted? Lots of people have been persecuted. My people have been persecuted, too.
Professor guy: Um...This is "Introduction to Jewish-American Literature".
Chick: ...Yeah, but still.
-Waverly Building, Waverly Place

Guy, staring at girl: You look like someone I know.
Girl: It's me.
Guy: Oh, hi Alexis. You look different at eight in the morning.
-C train

Pilot: We're on our way to New York where the weather is cold and icy, just like my prom date back in high school.
-Jet Blue flight 114 from Ft. Lauderdale to JFK

Older man hugging younger man: Wassup, my nigga?
Younger man: Dad, cut it out. We're white.
-Leonard & Lafayette St

Mom: Are you okay in there, sweetie?
Little girl in stall: I can't button my pants.
Mom: It's alright. Just come on out.
Little girl in stall: And I pooped on the floor.
-Bathroom, AMC Theatres, Times Square
via

Overheard on the streets of New York:

Charmer on cell: Yeah, man. I mean, I kind of like her. I'm not that crazy about her kids, but I think I'm going to keep seeing her. Her apartment's in a really great location.
-Outside Central Bar, 9th & 3rd

Guy on cell: Um, I think I just saw Tony Danza ride past me on roller blades.
Tony Danza: Yeah, ya did!
-Central Park

Young child: Mommy, can you feel my forehead? I think I have AIDS.
-Prince St

Wannabe thug on cell to girlfriend: Look, I gotta be single. All I wanna do is get money, stay fresh, dress fly, and fuck bitches.
-Penn Station

Woman on phone: I gotta go -- I'm at Weight Watchers.
-Dunkin' Donuts, Bayside

Guy: You ever try Kopi Luwak?
Girl: No, who is he?
Guy: It's not a he, it's the world's most expensive coffee.
Girl: That's not the coffee that's made from cat shit, is it?
Guy: It's not made from cat shit.
Girl: They pick the beans out of the cat shit.
Guy: Sort of.
Girl: So that posers like you can drink it.
Guy: You don't understand the concept of gourmet.
Girl: Maybe not, but I understand the concept of eating shit.
-Starbucks, Court St, Brooklyn

via

Overheard on the streets of New York:

Cop #1 to kid holding paper towels to his bleeding head: Lemme see your head, man. [Kid shows him the gash.] Holy shit!
Kid: What the fuck, man?! Aren't you supposed to be comforting me or some shit?!
Cop #1: Sorry! Well, at least you're coherent.
Cop #2: At this point, with that gash, you could light up a joint and I wouldn't tell.
-9th St, between Ave A & B

Guy #1: So, I heard this blowjob technique that sounds pretty cool, but I don't know how to tell my girlfriend without sounding pushy.
Guy #2: Well, maybe I could do it for you.
Guy #1: Dude... That's gay.
Guy #2: No! I meant I could tell your girlfriend for you, not do it to you!
Guy #1: Oh... Well, that's just awkward, then.
-A train

Pilot: For those of you seated on the left, if you look out of your window you can see the beautiful Manhattan skyline. For those seated on the right... thank you for flying United.
-Flight to Newark

Chick: Whoa, you were married?
Guy: Yup. Six years.
Chick: What happened?
Guy: Ummm... We were too different.
Chick: Different how?
Guy: Well, I'm the kind of person who wanted to pay off all his med school bills and live abroad for a few years. She's the kind of person who wanted to fuck other guys.
Chick: [Shocked.]
Guy: Hey, you asked.
-F train, York St

Electric guy to himself: Where's my gloves?
Grip guy: Gloves? I don't use gloves. I use my bare hands like a man! Only pussies use gloves. Are you a pussy? Be a man, ya pussy.
Electric guy: But then my skin will get all dry and crack and stuff.
Grip guy: Duh, well, yeah. That's why you have to moisturize.
-Movie set of I Am Legend

20-something girl #1: Why do they call it 'Smart Water'?
20-something girl #2: Because it has electrolytes.
20-something girl #1: But does it make you smarter?
20-something girl #2: No! Does drinking Dr. Pepper make you a doctor? I don't think so!
-6 train

Mother: Honey, what is wrong with your eyes?
Teen daughter: I am stoned.
Mother: You look like you have allergies.
Teen daughter: I am stoned.
Mother: Maybe it's pink eye.
-Central Park
via

Overheard on the streets of New York:

20-something girl #1: Why do they call it 'Smart Water'?
20-something girl #2: Because it has electrolytes.
20-something girl #1: But does it make you smarter?
20-something girl #2: No! Does drinking Dr. Pepper make you a doctor? I don't think so!
-6 train

Mother, scolding: And this is the same little boy who took out his penis in a nice restaurant.
Little boy: It was a wonderful restaurant!
-Garfield Pl, Park Slope

Professor: If any of you are sad about Anna Nicole, see me after class. I'll give you a bitch slap.
-NYU

(A stray kitten wanders up to a little girl who bends down to pet it.)
Mom: Come on, sweetie, it's time to cross the street.
Little girl, dismayed: But I'm petting the kitty.
Mom: Honey, we need to go. Say bye-bye, now.
Little girl: Goddammit, mommy, I'm petting the kitty!
-17th & 6th

Four-year-old boy to nanny: I talk to strangers! I talk to strangers! Why are you squeezing my hand so hard?!
-60th & Lex

Mother: Honey, what is wrong with your eyes?
Teen daughter: I am stoned.
Mother: You look like you have allergies.
Teen daughter: I am stoned.
Mother: Maybe it's pink eye.
-Central Park

Dude: So, how's Chin Chin doing?
Girl: Oh, pretty good. She just got over that whole vaginal discharge thing. [Awkward silence.]
Dude, to another girl: Chin Chin is her dog, by the way.
-NYU dorm elevator
via

Overheard on the streets of New York:

Nine-year-old boy on cell: It's not that I don't understand your vision, I just don't agree with it.
-Bus stop, 79th & 5th

Teen chick on cell: Yeah, he's a total dickwad. But I've got to go -- I'm going to break up with him right now.
Boy walking with her: Me? Fuck you, bitch.
-23rd & 6th

Toddler in stroller: Step one, cut a hole in the box... Step two, put your junk in the box! Step three, make her open the box!
-Dressing room, Bloomingdale's

Middle school boy: Yo, you ever seen that show Sex and the City on HBO?
Three friends: No.
Middle school boy: I thought there'd be mad sex on it. There wasn't any! They should call that show 'White Bitches Talking.'
-Brooklyn Middle School

Inquisitive teen: What happened?
Firefighter: The blob. Came out of the sewer. Went up some girl's cooch.
-Manhole explosion, East Village

Seven-year-old: I want to take a year off.
Dad: You are not taking a year off.
Seven-year-old: But I want to party.
Dad: You cannot take a year off to party!
-83rd & Park

via

Overheard on the streets of New York:

Teen #1: So this kid, Jason -- every time we go to a party, he takes a bunch of beers and hides them around whoever's house we're at.
Teen #2: You mean, where nobody could find them?
Teen #1: Yeah -- in a potted plant, an underwear drawer, the mailbox -- anywhere that will ensure him a beer later on.
Teen #2: Christ, he's like an alcoholic Easter Bunny.
-Rockefeller Center

Girl to friend: I can't decide which brand of shampoo and conditioner I want this time.
Random shopper, pointing to bottle: Get this kind. It made my pubes soft and wispy.
-CVS Pharmacy, Union Square

Little boy #1: You remember we don't like girls, right? I don't like girls.
Little boy #2: Yeah, but you should have worn your dinosaur shirt. They're very in today.
-LIRR

Guy #1: So she told me that she wants to make out more.
Guy #2: Huh?
Guy #1: She wants to sit and make out but not have sex.
Guy #2: Why bother making out if it isn't going to end in sex?
Guy #1: That's what I said.
-15th & Colfax

30-something #1: What are you doing for Valentine's Day?
30-something #2: Getting high and masturbating.
30-something #1: Man, married life is great.
-Palladium Gym, NYU

Drunk girl, clearly underage: Hahaha...
Drunk man, half-carrying her: Come on, let's go get you pregnant.
Drunk girl, gasping happily: I love babies!
-Grand Central

Girl: I'm so pissed at him... I'm gonna wait until my herpes show up and have sex with him.
Friend: Yeah, good idea. Do it.
-Union Square

via

Overheard on the streets of New York:

Seven-year-old boy: Dad, what does A-N-A-L spell?
Dad, pausing and looking horrified, then relieved: Canal! There's a C first. We're at Canal Street.
-6 train

Teen girl #1: Wait, so you just let him do you in the butt? You let him sodomize you?
Teen girl #2: It wasn't bad. I couldn't shit for a few days, though. So I took some laxatives, then I shit myself in the mall yesterday.
-Liberty Island

Teen #1: Hey, man, I think we should get our important stuff laminated. No one ever questions lamination.
Teen #2: Yeah, I could get my hall pass and be at a club and the bouncer would let me in.
Teen #1: Yeah, because of the lamination.
-Times Square

Girl: So, are you still getting me pregnant this weekend?
Confused boyfriend: ... What?
Girl: Oh. Did I not tell you about that?
-TKTS booth, Times Square

Angry guy: Fuck her and fuck her wedding. I piss on her nuptials. I shit on her nuptials.
Angry wife: I know. I know. But we still have to send a gift.
Angry guy: A gift? I should shit in a box! Tomorrow you get a box from Tiffany's. Today I eat walnuts!
-Trader Joe's, 14th St

Lady: Do I look fat in this dress?
Bystander: Yeah, you do. What? We were all thinking it!
-71 Continental Ave station

Mother to three-year-old daughter: Hey, it's Santa on the phone. And you know what he says? Stop taking my credit cards.
-Metro-North train

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Overheard on the streets of New York:

Angry guy: Fuck her and fuck her wedding. I piss on her nuptials. I shit on her nuptials.
Angry wife: I know. I know. But we still have to send a gift.
Angry guy: A gift? I should shit in a box! Tomorrow you get a box from Tiffany's. Today I eat walnuts!
-Trader Joe's, 14th St

Preppy guy waiting for walk signal: Hi there.
Hot girl: Um, do I know you?
Preppy guy: No, I was just being friendly...
Hot girl: Oh, yeah? Well then why don't you say hi to her, too? [Points to fat chick nearby.]
Preppy guy, to himself: God, I hate New Yorkers...
-Central Park

Mother to three-year-old daughter: Hey, it's Santa on the phone. And you know what he says? Stop taking my credit cards.
-Metro-North train

Girl: Damn, it's really cold!
Guy: I know! I hate having to smoke outside in this weather.
Girl: Totally -- they should let us smoke inside when it gets like this. Cold weather is bad for your health, y'know?
-29th St, Astoria

Blonde looking in compact: I need a new nose.
Boyfriend: I need a new apartment.
Blonde, whiny: It's always your needs! What about mine?!
Boyfriend: You just spent five thousand dollars on your fucking tits with my money!
Server waiting to take order: I'll come back when you two are ready...
-Olive Garden, Chelsea

Girl #1: So, when he was done I turned over and pressed my 'that was easy button' from Staples.
Girl #2: Oh my god.
Girl #1: Yeah, but now he won't text me back.
-Orchard & Rivington

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