Monday, September 25, 2006

The view from the men's room

Overheard on the streets of New York:

Girl on cell: Mom, are you drunk at Wal-Mart again?
-86th & Lex

Ghetto girl: Man, I can't believe he did this! I mean, we was in this relationship for like two weeks, and now he be tryin' to dump me! He was all, "Yeah, we're over." I was like, "What you talkin' about?" Then he was all, "I'm taking you off my Top 8."
Passerby: He took you off his My Space Top 8? Oh, hell, no.
-Baryshnikov Arts Center

Chick: You can tell this is the comics section 'cause all the fat, ugly people are here.
Dude: You're gonna get lynched.
-Barnes & Noble

Hipster #1: And the funny thing was... she had no curtains, right?
Hipster #2: Yeah?
Hipster #1: Yeah, and I mean I wasn't entirely comfortable with that, but what was I supposed to say, "I'm not comfortable with my penis in your mouth right now"?
Hipster #2: Obviously you weren't gonna say that!
-Duane Reade, 23rd between 6th & 7th

Girl: Look at that guy. He's such a loser. He's wearing a fanny pack and he's covering his ears. We're at a concert. What is his deal?
Guy: The only thing that could be worse is if he had a Trapper Keeper.
-Roseland Ballroom, 52nd & Broadway

Drunk guy: I have to move down to this end of the train because, if I don't, I'm gonna hit that motherfucker down there. I know I only want to hit him because I've been drinking. If I wasn't drinking, he wouldn't bother me. If I had been drinking more, I'd just hit him. But right now I'm caught in a strange netherworld and I'll just chill down here.
-1 train

50-Something guy on cell: Yeah, I just spoke to Kate, and everything is wonderful. The liquor stores are open, and people are riding bicycles.
-1st Ave between 9th & 10th

Don't get the tongue twister wrong, or else...

Introspective view of MySpace and "About Me"

I just updated the "About Me" section on my own MySpace profile with the following:

While it seems most “My Space” profiles are all the same, I decided to write something a little different for the “About Me” section of my own profile. I always feel awkward when you see the open ended prompt on a computer that says, “Please tell us about yourself”. I’m not sure how this really works. I mean, is it really possible that a person can accurately describe themselves in words? Can you really accurately judge me by the music I listen to, eye color, birthday, photo albums of me and my friends, etc?
Honestly, the truth is that people write their profiles based on how they want to be represented, not who they truly are. Think about it. We do it all the time. Take for example the last time you were at a job interview, or someone introduced yourself to their friends. Are you acting like yourself? No way. You’re acting like the person you want to be ‘perceived as’ on the first impression. There’s no way you’d let them know things about you right as soon as they meet you. IE: is that your real hair color? are those your real eyes- or do you have contacts in? you’re secretly insecure with yourself. you’re not that tall- those shoes are making you seem taller. you get moody when your stressed. the fact you wait until you run out of clothes to do laundry. you only listen to Dave Matthews Band because everyone else did in college. the fact you secretly watch awful MTV programs and really like them. The REAL truth about yourself would be a long list that goes on and on… but that’s not what is listed in your profile.

While my intentions is not to come off bitter, I guess what I’m trying to say is, while I enjoy online social networking as much as the next person, my own personal “My Space” page is merely representation of who I want to be perceived as. Call it shallow if you will, but you’re just as guilty as I am. Consider my rant an introspective 'food for thought' while your browsing this wonderful world we call “My Space”. [see my profile here]

If you have a dirty mind, this sign hilarious

How to do your laundry for free

1. First you take your quarters and slip them into a water balloon. One balloon for each quarter.

2. Second, you lubricate the water balloon with laundry detergent.

3. Third, you place the quarters (inside of the balloons) into the slots and hold on very tightly to the ends of the balloons. Again, hold on tight!

4. Push the quarters in and Pull them back out.

5. Free Laundry!

A couple of tips…
Make sure your hands are not covered with detergent from lubricating the balloons. If they are, the ends of the balloons will slip out of your hands and jam the machine.

If you have multiple loads, (once you get the feel for it) go ahead and repeat step 4 several times in succession for the dryer – you can rack up a few hours of drying time in 10 seconds. Source.

Dislaimer: you should pay for your laundry. But if you have no underwear, sometimes drastic measures are in order. :)

Jerky your meat? Fudge brats? = sweet place

Mom let her 18-month-baby smoke out of bong

A Montana mother who allowed her 18-month-old baby daughter to inhale from a marijuana water pipe on several occasions was properly convicted, but should not have to spend five years in jail, a U.S. appeals court ruled on Friday.

Jessica Durham was photographed allowing her toddler Michala to suck from a marijuana water pipe, also known as a bong, in 2004 by a friend upset about the activity.

"Ms. Durham allegedly remarked that smoking improved Michala's appetite and left Michala lethargic and mellow - a manner she found consistent with her own experience smoking marijuana," Judge Louis Pollak of the U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals wrote in summarising the case.

In 2005, a lower court sentenced Durham to five years in prison for unlawful marijuana distribution. She appealed both the conviction and the sentence. Article here.

College dude does a pretty good 'beatbox'

Restaurant serves penis as delicacy? WTF?

The dish in front of me is grey and shiny. "Russian dog," says my waitress Nancy. "Big dog," I reply. "Yes," she says. "Big dog's penis..." The Chinese believe that eating penis can enhance your virility.

We are in a cosy restaurant in a dark street in Beijing but my appetite seems to have gone for a stroll outside. Nancy has brought out a whole selection of delicacies.
They are draped awkwardly across a huge platter, with a crocodile carved out of a carrot as the centrepiece. Nestling beside the dog's penis are its clammy testicles, and beside that a giant salami-shaped object.

"Donkey," says Nancy. "Good for the skin..." She guides me round the penis platter. "Snake. Very potent. They have two penises each."
The Guolizhuang restaurant claims to be China's only speciality penis emporium, and no, it is not a joke. The atmosphere is more exotic spa than boozy night-out.

Nancy describes herself as a nutritionist. "We don't call them waiters here. And we don't serve much alcohol," she says. "Only common people come here to get drunk and laugh." But she does offer me a deer-blood and vodka cocktail, which I decide to skip. Read the full article here.

40 foot giant puppet girl doll, kinda creepy?

Jessica Simpson, Daisy Dukes = Hooters?

Jessica Simpson's father, Joe Simpson, will use his daughter's image by opening a chain of restaurants based on the character she played in the Dukes of Hazzard remake. The restaurant chain will be called Daisy Duke's and feature waitresses dressed like whores serving beat-up barbecue.

The 'Dukes of Hazzard' star will provide backing for the restaurants - which will feature scantily-clad waitresses in tiny hot pants - named after her most famous screen character from the film remake of the hit TV show.
The business plan was thought up by Jessica's father and manager, Joe Simpson, 48. The flagship eatery will open in Las Vegas' Caesar's Palace next year, and Jessica will reportedly commit to make at least five appearances at the venue each year.

A spokesman for the 26-year-old star, whose divorce from Nick Lachey was finalised this year, has so far refused to confirm the restaurant plans. Article here.