Friday, September 29, 2006

It’s not fake, just some clever timing

Overheard on the streets of New York:

Coworker #1: So what've you been up to?
Coworker #2: The usual. Just whacked off.
Coworker #1: Dude, you're on speakerphone.
-Office, Midtown

Woman #1: I don't know how I'm gonna get Bernie to go down on me. I've even tried waxing.
Woman #2: Maybe you can tattoo a little Yankees logo down there. Woman #1: Are you kidding? It would be a holy object. He would kneel and make burnt offerings.
Woman #2: At least he would be kneeling. That's a start.

Small child, trying a Sprite: I don't like it.
Dad: If you don't like the taste, just spit it out.
Mom: I've heard that one before.
-33rd & 7th

Guy #1: I'd totally hit that.
Guy #2: Dude, I'd hit that so hard whoever could pull me out would become the King of England.
-College Walk, Columbia University

One f*cked up children’s book

TV shows and my 'busted' knee...

It's been a while since I’ve written a personal blog entry, and I’ve been wanting to do a lot more than I have. How’s my life going? Great. But it seems like it’s going 200 MPH. Work is awesome. Life is just good in general.

My roommates and I watch the new episodes of ‘The Office’ and ‘Greys Anatomy’ [sigh] finally decent TV shows are back on the air. Steve Carell rocks. Was it just me, or did the summer seemed to drag on with some really lame sitcoms and reality TV shows? Lately, my roommate #1 keeps trying to drag me into watching the absolutely horrific MTV show Laguna Beach. I’ve given it a fair chance – hell I’ve watched/wasted two hours of my life watching the first episodes and have yet to find one piece of dialogue compelling. Whatever.

Next month I’m having surgery on my ACL in my knee. I managed to somehow ‘tear’ my ACL while playing recreational co-ed indoor soccer last month. What’s really strange is that I’m able to walk around, go to work, and do all daily activities without any problem – it completely blows my mind that I’m able to do this. WTF? Anyways, the thing that has me worried is that the surgery I’m having is an ‘Allograft’. This basically is taking a cadaver aka dead person’s graft tissue. Gross isn’t it? Apparently it’s a very common practice, but it just freaks me out a "dead persons" body part will be inside of me. Weird.

The doctor hasn’t mentioned anything about "how" they choose the type of “dead person” I get the body part from, which got me to wondering… can’t I at least know a little background about the person who I’m getting the body part from? I mean, I figure it’d be nice to know a background from whom I’m getting the body part? What if it was someone famous? An athlete? Politician? Rock star? More than likely it's probably going to come from some dead dude in prison [pause] OK now I'm freaking myself out thinking about this. I'm just going to hope for the best.

Victoria Beckham, you're so fake...

(CLICK the image to see what I mean)

Screech Powers has a sex tape? WTF?

Dustin Diamond, who played Samuel "Screech" Powers on the teen sitcom Saved By The Bell, stars with two women in a shocking and graphic sex tape.

Shot in a hotel suite, the video begins with Diamond, now 29, sitting in a bathtub telling viewers what is about to happen. Then, holding the camera and providing a running commentary, the actor has sex with two unidentified women in several different positions.
Near the end of the 40-minute tape, Diamond demonstrates a particularly graphic act. Diamond hit the radio airwaves in Florida on Thursday and said neither of the women in the video is Jennifer Misner, his wife since 2003.

“I’ve had a lot of fun with video in the past,” Diamond told the MJ Morning Show, adding that he has not seen the footage.

The tape is in the hands of David Hans Schmidt, who has previously tried to sell rights to sex tapes by stars like Colin Farrell and Paris Hilton. He said this week there is significant interest in the Screech sex tape.

Diamond’s manager, Roger Paul, told a New York newspaper the tape could be good for his client’s career. “Dustin has been trying to escape the Screech typecast,” he said. “So this may help get more bookings.” Diamond has had a few minor roles on television and film but earns a living on the stand-up comedy circuit. Article here.

Race car driver goes all Hong Kong fooey

Driver Michael Simko was upset about being spun out into a crash. He took some revenge with a flying kick through the windshield of Don Saint Denis' car.

Don St. Denis says "I understand where he was coming from, but it's not like I did it on purpose. It was racing, and I'd never intentionally do that to anybody. I had the car still running, it was still in gear. I was trying to shut it off but I was unable to shut off the car because a piece of Plexiglas fell down by the ignition switch, so I couldn't shut the car off. I was trying to get it out of gear, and next thing I know the window net's down and he's trying to throw punches at me. Of course the adrenaline goes crazy and we go kinda coo-coo."

Daughter has long ring finger = she's athletic

The length of a girl's ring finger could be an indicator of her future sporting potential, researchers at King's College London said on Thursday.

In the largest study of its kind, hand measurements of 607 female twins aged 25-79 from the UK were compared with the women's lifetime sporting achievements.

The findings, published in the British Journal of Sports Medicine, found that women with ring fingers longer than their index fingers had performed better at running and associated running sports such as soccer and tennis.

In women the ring finger is commonly shorter or the same length as the index finger, while in men the ring finger is generally longer.
The report said detection of sporting potential by examining the ratio between the index and ring fingers "could help identify talented individuals at a pre-competitive stage." Article here.

Stop f*cking up the toliets

Dry cleaner finds note in pocket about murder

Dry cleaners find all kinds of things hiding in the clothes of their customers - but probably nothing quite like what some employees stumbled across recently. A note found in a customer's clothing read, "You have committed a murder, but no one believes it. All I can do is kill myself, then everyone will see what you have done." It was signed: "Your wife, Alice."

Employees called police, fearing the note described a murder-suicide plot. But it turns out the owner of the sport coat is an actor involved in a play. The note was a prop, city police Detective Brian Zasadny told The Ann Arbor News.

Zasadny tracked down the customer on Wednesday. The man explained he is involved in the play, "Retreat from Moscow." Article here.

Sweet time-lapse kiteboarding photo

New Audi R8 is a pretty sweet looking car

Millionaire marries 6th wife, his own daughter

A secret sexual relationship with his daughter was not enough. There had to be a wedding.

And it had to be a grand celebration befitting a Fisher Island, Florida, multimillionaire who controls billions from Wall Street to Bermuda, from London to Dubai. So on a sunny June day two years ago, father and daughter exchanged rings at Westminster Abbey.
They couldn't follow convention by inviting friends or family, and they couldn't make an announcement that they'd eloped. There was no white dress and no officiant.

D. Bruce McMahan, then 65, and his daughter Linda Marie Hodge McMahan Schutt, then 35, pronounced themselves husband and wife on June 23, 2004.

It was their secret. Click here to read the full story.

Dear Dr. Ruth...

Church now has ATM for Jesus = giving kiosks?

Pastor Marty Baker came up with the kiosk idea a couple of years ago. He noticed that few people seemed to keep cash in their wallet anymore for the collection bag.

So he began studying the electronic payment business. He designed his machine with the help of a computer programmer who attends Stevens Creek, and found ATM companies willing to assemble it for him. In early 2005, he introduced the first machine at his church.

Since then, kiosk giving has gradually gained acceptance among his upper-middle-class flock. The three kiosks are expected to take in between $200,000 and $240,000 this year — about 15% of the church's total donations.
"It's truly like an ATM for Jesus," Baker said. This summer, Baker and his wife, Patty, began selling the devices to other churches through their for-profit company, SecureGive.

The kiosks can let donors identify their gift as a regular tithe or offering, or direct it to building or missionary funds. The machines send information about the donation to a central church computer system, which shoots the donors an e-mail confirmation.

The Bakers charge between $2,000 and $5,000 for the kiosks, which come in a variety of configurations. They also collect a monthly subscription fee of up to $49.95 for licensing and support. And a card-processing company gets 1.9% of each transaction; a small cut of that fee goes to SecureGive.

So far, seven other congregations have installed or ordered the machines. All of them are Protestant, and most are in the South. If the idea takes off and makes the Bakers rich, Patty says they will thank the Lord — and give a significant sum to their church. Click here to read the full article.