Friday, December 23, 2005

Why girls have two hands

Thong underwear is hazardous to your health

Thong panties, particularly combined with tight, low cut jeans can cause the following health risks; vaginal and bacterial infections, haemorrhoids, lacerations of the anus — or possibly an increase in sexually transmitted diseases among fellow thong-wearers.

Sound interesting to you? Would you like to know more? Click here to read all about the Institute of Women’s Health official study.

Birds can be 'lil sh*theads

Cutting down a x-mas tree can be hell

A fellow friend of a Across-the-Board reader, Eric, sent me a story complete with pictures describing his adventures of a ‘rustic, romantic Christmas notion of cutting down one's own tree.’

Now one would think, actually taking action of cutting down your own Christmas tree is pretty darn impressive and ambitious. But I mean really, how hard can it be? People in the movies do it all the time right? (since all movies depict the truth)

Mat himself even knew it was ‘bad news bears’ when he heard that he needed to rig up a trailer to bring the tree home.

Below is a ‘pictorial adventure’ depicting how Eric somehow got a 12-foot wide Christmas tree through a 3-foot door. Eric had to cut the top third of this tree just for it to “fit” it in the room (which as you can see by the pictures below, people can barely fit in the room).

Eric, you defiantly are worthy enough of getting a ‘tip of the old hat. I can assure you Clark Griswold would be proud if he heard/saw your x-mas spirit.

Tips for next year:

*measure the room that the tree will be going into
*blue spruces are prickly, dress accordingly
*pay the neighbors kids cut/haul/mount the tree next year

Man Caught In Strip Club Ceiling?

A 40-year-old man was arrested and charged after he was found crawling around in the ceiling of a Cocoa Beach strip club, according to police.

Earl Bushey, 40, was being held in jail on $5,000 bond after being arrested over the weekend on burglary and criminal mischief charges, Local 6 News partner Florida Today reported.

Cocoa Beach police said the manager of the Inner Room Gentleman's Club discovered Bushey was hiding in the false ceiling of the business, located at 74 Orlando Avenue.

Police arrived at the club and ordered Bushey to come down, reports showed. One of the officers retrieved a ladder as a club employee climbed into the ceiling to corner Bushey, according to the report.

Bushey, who police said apparently broke into the tiles in the men's room, tried to get away but his legs fell through the ceiling, prompting the club's employees to pull him down.

Officials found a small plastic baggy of crack cocaine and a glass pipe on Bushey, Florida Today reported. Officers also estimated the damages to the ceiling to be about $2,000.

Uh... yeah, I’m pretty sure this might go down as one of the stupidest things ever done in 2005. Nice work dude. Article here.

Are you guilty of 'fancy parking' ?

What is fancy parking?

"Fancy parking is many things to many people. It’s a way of life, a philosophy, a global movement, and honestly, any attempt to define it would be an insult to thousands of fancy parkers worldwide. But essentially it’s reversing your car into a parking space."

Check out the official fancy parking website here. The site is complete with diagrams of ‘How to Fancy Park.’ I myself am totally guilty of fancy parking on several occasions [blush].

I wonder if this guy landed this bike jump?

Dude tries handstand on railing in a nightclub?

A woman crushed when a night-clubber fell on her from a second-floor railing told today of winding up in a hospital bed next to him.

Kylee Schoonens, 25, was hit by Luke Ouwendyk, 21, who slipped while allegedly trying to do a handstand on a second-floor railing at the Paramount Nightclub in Northbridge, Western Australia, on December 3.

"In the hospital, the guy who landed on me was next to me in intensive care," she said. "I've never spoken to him."

Mr Ouwendyk fractured his left collarbone in the incident and has been charged with causing grievous bodily harm. He will appear before the Perth Magistrates Court next week. Ms Schoonens suffered a crushed vertebra, with a bone fragment now lodged in her spinal cavity. She said she had little memory of the incident.

"We were there to watch a friend in a band and we were outside in the beer garden area," she said. "We were walking inside to go listen and all of a sudden something fell on me from above.

"I was knocked to ground and knocked unconscious for 10 to 20 seconds, I guess, and my body went into shock."

Fu*kin asshole clubbing dude. WTF was he doing a handstand on the railing? Article here.

Mom Auctions Off Family's Mess On eBay

An Ohio mother who was fed up with her family not picking up their things went to extremes to clean house. Jessica Schickel created a box filled with all the items that were not put in their proper place and sold them on eBay.

The winning bidder got all the items and a videotape of the family's reaction when they found out their possessions were sold behind their backs.

Schickel said she just had a baby and was fed up with her other two children and her husband not picking up their belongings.

The box of prized possessions sold for over $300. But Schickel said her family still hasn't gotten the message. "They didn't learn their lesson, so it's their own fault," said Schickel.

Schickel has started collecting items for a second box. All proceeds earned will be donated to charity.

Yeah! Talk about being proactive! I would love to see the video of the family members finding out all their sh*t was pawned on eBay. Come to think of it... this would be a great reality TV show. Hmmm... I'm calling FOX TV right now (they'd be the only network that would consider this epiphany worth exploring). Article here.

Apple releases the iTV?

HA! Made you look. Your pathetic. Anyways, don’t get too excited. This really isn’t a latest and greatest Apple/Mac product.

However, this is a Prison Issued TV (for sale on eBay) that people who wind up behind bars for long stretches are allowed to use. It has a 10" screen and the 11" tall X 12" wide and deep case is made entirely of Lucite see-through plastic so the guards can see if there's any contraband inside during inspections.

Semi-sorta-kind-of-interesting. Click here to bid on it on eBay.

Photoworthy... *correction* Photofreaky

How 'she' scored with 11 men in under an hour Cuts to the Chase™ by bypassing all of the preliminary get-to-know-you bullshit that cripples most first dates. Instead HurryDaters (speed dating) begin by filling out online profiles advertising their assets, then pay $35 to mingle in a bar. Your homework is to review personal profiles online before the 'mingle' in order to get to know people before you even meet them. Here is an example of a profile:

Read about one person’s experiences with in which she describes, “How I Scored with 11 Men in Under an Hour.” Pretty entertaining and good for a chuckle. I kind of feel bad for the girl. Better luck next time? Click here to read about her personal experience.

Just try to hit me with a snowball! I dare you!

Check out this cool ass snowball fight game! Honestly, one of the coolest- yet challenging games out there. You can control all the 'lil-dudes' on your team. Fan-fu*kin-tastic-fun for all ages! Click here to play the game. Watch out for the yellow snow. :)

(click to join-in the snow ball fight!)

Company shows porn in store-front window

Imagine being stopped at a traffic light and seeing soft core porn displayed in the storefront window of the local power company.

This scenario became reality for many Alabama Power customers Thursday night, as they watched graphic imagines of sex flash across the screen of a plasma TV currently on sale and on display in the company's store window. "We are very, very embarrassed," said Alabama Power spokesman Bernie Fogarty.

In the video, you could clearly see people having sex, although none of their genitalia was exposed. Some motorists driving pass Alabama Power, located at the corner of Hillcrest Road and Airport Boulevard, actually pulled into the company's parking lot as if it was a drive-in movie theatre. "I was stopped at the red light. I was a little shocked at first. All I can say is if things are boring at home, come on down to Alabama Power about 10:30 at night and get you some good entertainment," said one driver.

After launching an internal investigation, a spokesman for Alabama Power says the company has concluded airing softcore porn was a mistake on its part. Apparently, technicians had the television tuned to HBO's Latino Channel, which Alabama Power says airs cartoons during the day and soft-core porn at night; something the company says it didn't know.

LMAO! How awesome is this. What I think is hilariously funny is the people who pulled in the parking lot just to watch. Seriously? You have nothing better to do with your time than to watch softcore drive-through porn? Ah, whatever. I guess you can’t blame them. Article here.