Sunday, July 15, 2007
Overheard on the streets of New York:
Joking clerk to bitter man holding wife's purse: Nice purse.
Man: Thanks. It came free with the relationship and subsequent castration.
Kindly gent: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Little kid: Retarded!
Kindly gent: Retarded?
Little kid: My grandpa is retarded, and he gets to play and watch TV all day!
Kindly gent: [Stunned silence.]
Kid's mom, embarrassed: He means 'retired.'
Little kid: Retarded! Retarded! Retarded! I wanna be retarded! [Starts to cry.]
-Washington & Water St
Junior analyst #1: I know this guy who is such a typical I-banker -- works a hundred hours a week on Wall Street and spends the rest of his time on strippers and coke.
Junior analyst #2: That's so '80s!
Junior analyst #1: Totally '80s!
-LaGuardia Delta shuttle
History teacher: So, Jane*, why haven't you enlisted in the US military?
Asian bimbette: Um, because you can't shop in Iraq.
-High school, Brooklyn
Girl #1: I'd totally teabag him! Wait, what's the female equivalent of teabag?
Girls #2 & #3: Hmmm...
Queer #1: I dunno -- what do you call it when someone dangles lunch meat in your face?
Queer #2: Roast beef curtains?
Queer #1: No, no, wait! It's a cold cut swipe!
Suit #1: She's smart, funny, beautiful... What more could you ask for?
Suit #2: Yeah, but she probably votes. I don't like women that vote.
Asian boy: Why are you wearing a belt over your shirt?
Asian girl: I don't know. I like the way it looks.
Asian boy: Belts are supposed to hold your pants up. It can't hold anything up if it's over your shirt.
Asian girl: It's fashion, okay?! My god!
Asian boy: ... I hope your pants fall down!
Lady: I had the worst experience at that restaurant.
Friend: What did you have?
Lady: Horrible diarrhea.
Friend: I meant, what did you order?
-51st & 8th
Dude: I'm sorry. I feel like I'm talking too much.
Chick: It's okay -- I like to hear you talk.
Dude: Well, I like to hear you listen.
-9th & 2nd
Labels: overheard in new york
Stay off the pole, or you're going to hurt yourself.
Woman throws her baby into moving car during fight
A woman in Orlando, Fla., is accused of throwing her 2-month-old baby into a moving car during an argument with the child's father, according to police.
Witnesses said Eva Jean Platt was arguing with her son's father when she tossed the baby as he was preparing to leave in his car. The 2-month-old hit the window and fell to the ground, according to witnesses. The infant is being treated for a fractured skull and bleeding in the brain. Platt was transported to the Orange County Jail and is being held on a $100,000 bond. » Article here
Armed patio invader ends up just wanting a hug
A grand feast of marinated steaks and jumbo shrimp was winding down, and a group of friends was sitting on the back patio, sipping red wine. Suddenly, a hooded man slid in through an open gate and put the barrel of a handgun to the head of a 14-year-old guest.
"Give me your money, or I'll start shooting," he demanded, according to D.C. police and witness accounts. The five other guests, including the girls' parents, froze -- and then one spoke. "We were just finishing dinner," Cristina "Cha Cha" Rowan, 43, blurted out. "Why don't you have a glass of wine with us?"
The intruder took a sip of their Chateau Malescot St-Exupéry and said, "Damn, that's good wine." The girl's father, Michael Rabdau, 51, who described the harrowing evening in an interview, told the intruder, described as being in his 20s, to take the whole glass. Rowan offered him the bottle. The would-be robber, his hood now down, took another sip and had a bite of Camembert cheese that was on the table.
Then he tucked the gun into the pocket of his nylon sweatpants. "I think I may have come to the wrong house," he said, looking around the patio of the home. "I'm sorry," he told the group. "Can I get a hug?". » Full article here
Labels: Offbeat news
Woman comes home and finds stranger on her toliet?
A Virginia woman had a surprise when she got home: a stranger sitting on her toilet. According to police, the senior citizen stepped out to buy a newspaper yesterday. When she got back, she found someone making himself at home on her john. Officers say the man apparently cut through a screen and unlocked a door while the woman was out.
Police say she asked the intruder how long he was he going to be, and then called the cops. But by the time they could get there, he was gone. No word on whether the intruder took the time to wash his hands. » Article here
Labels: Offbeat news
Why make love? Here are some reasons why...
Labels: funny signs
Pizza Hut waitress gets $10,000 tip.
Waitress Jessica Osborne is getting more than a good tip. She's getting ten-thousand dollars for her college education. The 20-year-old waits tables at a Pizza Hut in northeast Indiana. The money is from a mother and her two sons who are regular customers. Osborne says she'd told the family how she had started college twice before, but had to quit because she didn't have the money.
Osborne says the ten-thousand-dollar gift made her cry so hard, she couldn't breathe. And she's having trouble getting people to believe her. Osborne says a co-worker thought she was lying. » Article here
Labels: Offbeat news