Good god Britney Spears, what the hell?

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House burns after chick's hair catches fire

A woman injured herself and burned a large portion of her home when a candle she was using fell from a shelf and lit her hair on fire.

Ollie Jones, 52, was reading her Bible by candlelight when the fire started, her daughter told the St. Augustine Record. Jones ran from the house screaming and a neighbor helped douse her head.

About 30 percent of the house had already burned by the time firefighters arrived, Fire Marshal John Rayno said. Firefighters contained the fire, but the rest of the house sustained heavy smoke damage. Family members said Jones was hospitalized in stable condition. Article here.

Don’t cheat on your girlfriend

Hillary wants everyone to drive 55 MPH?

In a surprise move yesterday, Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton called for "most of the country" to return to a speed limit of 55 mph in an effort to slash fuel consumption.
"The 55-mile speed limit really does lower gas usage. And wherever it can be required, and the people will accept it, we ought to do it," Clinton said at the National Press Club.

Before sounding off on the benefits of a lower speed limit, Clinton called for a combination of tax incentives, the use of more ethanol-based fuel and a $50 billion fund for new energy research to cut the consumption of foreign oil 50 percent by 2025.

She also pushed for half of all the nation's gas stations to have ethanol pumps by 2015, and for every gas station to have them by 2025.

Seriously? No way in hell this will ever happen. You can’t possibly think that people will even think to consider going from 70 MPH down to 55 MPH. Article here.

Baby Fart...

Jessica Simpson selling Nick's wedding ring

The National Ledger is reporting that Jessica Simpson has made plans to auction off her 3.5 carat wedding ring and donate the proceeds to charity. According to Mike Walker, the proceeds will go to Operation Smile.
Jessica called Nick personally to warn him that she was selling the ring for charity. "Nick flipped out," an insider revealed. "He pleaded with her to meet so they could discuss it." Jessica did agree to meet, but she refused to give up on her charitable contribution.

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David Hasselhoff: Then & Now

Grandma glues eyes shut with super glue?

Great-grandmother Terry Horder got the fright of her life when she accidentally stuck her eyes shut with super-strength glue.

The 78-year-old Wurtulla resident was defrosting the fridge when her eyes started watering and she reached for a bottle of allergy eye drops. But instead of grabbing the medicated drops she got Loctite 401 instant glue. The powerful adhesive was being kept in the fridge to avoid heat damage.

"That second my eyes were glued shut and I realised the glue was next to the drops in the fridge," Mrs Horder said.
Her husband of 57 years, Joe Horder, said his normally outspoken wife was suddenly very quiet. "Normally you can't shut her up but she went very silent and I just heard this little voice say 'Dad, I think I've glued my eyes shut'," Mr Horder said.

Nurses then used vegetable oil to try to remove the glue, which had fused Mrs Horder's eyelashes together and seeped under the lids. "There was a pool of glue against the eyeball itself but lucky it couldn't dry because of the water on the eye," Mrs Horder said.

"They soaked my eyes for around five minutes and then tried to prise the lashes apart, which wasn't pleasant. But about 10 minutes later I was good as new."

fridgehenge/stonefridge?

Man catches 1,262 lbs hammerhead shark

FT. MYERS, Florida- A Port Charlotte fisherman caught a great hammerhead shark near Boca Grande on Tuesday that could be a new world sport fishing record. Fisherman Bucky Dennis was alone on his boat when the animal took the bait, a 25-pound stingray. Dennis said it took five hours to land the great hammerhead shark after it towed their fishing boat 12 miles from Boca Grande Pass. The female great hammerhead was measured at 14.5 feet long and 1,262 pounds, with its hammer measuring more than three feet across.

Overheard on the streets of New York:

Girl on cell: Seriously George, I gained twenty pounds while I was in LA, and now every black guy in the city can't stop talking to me about my ass!
[Guy slowly driving by and waving out window: Oooh girl, you so fiiiine...you gorgeous.]
Girl on cell: Jesus Christ! There's another one! I've gotta call you back, I'm going to the gym.
-Broadway & Bleeker

Woman #1: She got a booty do
Woman #2: A booty do?
Woman #1: Yeah, you know, when your belly stick out more than your booty do?
-4 train

Guy #1: So this girl comes over and I just want her to give me a blow job.
Guy #2: Yeah, did she do it?
Guy #1: No. She was all like, "I really want to hook up with you, but you won't respect me if I do." And I'm just thinking, "Please for the love of God, just suck my dick and I'll worry about the rest later." but I obviously can't say that to her.
Guy #3: Dude, that sucks. It sounds like she's a total tease.
Guy #1: Yeah. I know man. I really, really just wanted her to suck my dick and she's worried about all this other stuff.
[pause]
Guy #3:, as they're exiting the train: Do you believe we go to law school?
-1 train

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Seriously?

Man robs bank, sits and reads a magazine?

Police in Austin arrested a man on Thursday who allegedly walked into a bank, demanded money from a teller and then sat down and read a magazine.

Paul Wendell Gunn, 61, surrendered to police about an hour after he went to the bank and demanded an undisclosed amount of money, said Round Rock police spokesman Eric Poteet.

After the teller gave Gunn the money, he sat down on a couch inside the bank and started reading while everyone else evacuated, Poteet said in Thursday's online edition of the Austin American-Statesman.

Authorities closed off the area around the bank, which is only a half-block from the police station, until Gunn surrendered. Gunn never used a weapon, and no one was injured, police said.

He was being held Thursday in the Williamson County Jail on suspicion of robbery. Gunn is scheduled to go before a magistrate Friday. Article here.

Holy backflip?

Rat cuts power lines = no American Idol?

About 9,500 Riverside, California residents found themselves in the dark after a rat chewed through power equipment at a substation.

The rodent had to gnaw through two barriers before it reached the 12,000-volt equipment that it shorted out on Tuesday night, Public Utilities deputy director Steve Badgett said.

"We found him. What was left of him," Badgett said. The rat made it to the live wires despite traps and rat poison placed in the substation, he said.

Some 1,100 customers went without power until early Wednesday morning. Badgett said he braced for the worst when he realized that residents lost their power just as the semifinalists of "American Idol" were to perform on television. Article here.

He’s having a bad day

Judge says this man is to short to go to jail

This man pictured in the below mug shot is named Richard Thompson. He's a 50-year-old Nebraska man who was convicted of sexually assaulting a child, but is avoiding jail time because a judge thinks he's too short to survive in prison.
Instead, the 5'1" Thompson will serve a 10-year probationary term, thanks to the sentence meted out Tuesday by Cheyenne County District Judge Kristine Cecava.

While acknowledging that the sex crime was "absolutely inexcusable" and that Thompson deserved a long prison stretch, Cecava explained that the child abuser likely could not survive incarceration. As part of her lenient sentence, Cecava, pictured at right, ordered Thompson to never be alone with anyone younger than 18 and directed him to throw out his porn collection. Article here.