Monday, March 06, 2006

Please excuse the idiots who broke my blog

Sorry for the ‘Forbidden Request’ errors that you may have been experiencing earlier this morning when accessing Across-the-Board. My website hosting provider Blogger, was experiencing some issues. I have instructed the people who worker at blogger that caused this problem to be fired and terminated without severance pay effective immediately. Actually, I’m lying. I didn’t do that last part. However, I did send a really ‘nasty’ email to them (I used lots of ‘big fancy corporate adjectives’ and lots of “unnecessary phrases of guilt”). You may now resume your regularly scheduled dose of Across-the-Board.

Coordless mouse?

The coolest wife in the world

Andrei Kirilenko, the 25-year-old NBA Jazz forward, reveals in the current issue of ESPN The Magazine that his wife, Masha Lopatova, mindful of the presence of women who congregate around wealthy professional athletes, has granted permission for him to indulge himself, so to speak, with another woman once per season.

"If I know about it," Lopatova said Wednesday, "it's not cheating."
That philosophy was applauded, frequently in jest, in a variety of settings. On ESPN's own "Pardon the Interruption" television show, for example, Washington Post columnist Michael Wilbon asked, "Ain't Mrs. Kirilenko the coolest wife in the world or what?"

His co-host, the Post's Tony Kornheiser, agreed: "She is a Top 5 wife, all-time. In fact, she is up there right now on the Mount Rushmore of wives."

Whoa? Click here to read the full article.

"Thanks to Google's recent search list, we got to see the 'sensitive' side of our friend."

(click to enlarge)

Why do dogs sniff each other's ass?

Q: Why do dogs sniff each other?

A dog's nose is its strongest weapon. In fact, it works up to a million times better than a human's. A dog uses its nose not only to sniff out dead birds in the backyard and burgers on the BBQ, but also to better understand other dogs. According to Point Ask, a sniff of the rear tells a dog all sorts of things, including what the other dog likes to eat, its general health, and if a female pooch is pregnant.

Dogs also use their olfactory talents to understand humans. This article by Meg Moss explains that, with one whiff, "a dog can tell where you have been and what you have been doing, what you have eaten, and even whether you are not feeling well." Moss goes on to say that when dogs sniff each other, they learn whether or not the dog is safe to play with or if they should retreat. Basically, it's just a way of getting to know each other. Although it's apparently an effective means of introduction, we're sticking with the handshake.

Justin Timberlake at age 60?

Nipple Pincher Gets Juvenile Detention

A teen who pinched and twisted another boy's nipple while standing in line at a deli has been sentenced to four days in juvenile detention because he refused to write a letter that explained his actions.

David Thumler, 16, was convicted of offensive physical touching in July 2005, after the victim's parents complained to police. The Crater High School student paid a $67 fine and served three days of community service.

"I emptied trash cans, mowed lawns and shoveled gravel," Thumler said.

But Thumler's refusal to comply with the final piece of his sentence will cost him four days in detention. He was required to write the letter during four classes put on by Mediation Works, which operates the victim-offender program for Jackson County Community Justice.

The offender is required to describe the act in detail, explain "thinking errors," "express empathy" and describe any resultant life changes. Thumler said he presented a rough draft of his letter in the third session. He said he balked when told he must also describe his "criminal thought processes."

He said that would imply malicious or criminal intent, and "none of that applied to my feelings or actions." Thumler said he had no criminal intent because he considered the victim to be a friend at the time of the incident which he deemed horseplay. Including the language sought by Mediation Works, he said, would turn his prior court statements into lies.

Ken Chapman, a Community Justice juvenile probation supervisor, verified Thumler's sentence.

All this over one titty-twister… wow. Article here.

New, More Colorful $10 Bill to Debut

The newly redesigned $10 bill is going into circulation.The new $10 featuring shades of orange, yellow and red will join colorized versions of the $20 bill and the $50 bill as the Bureau of Engraving and Printing attempts to stay one step ahead of counterfeiters and ever-more sophisticated copying machines.

The Federal Reserve will begin shipping Thursday the first of 800 million of the new $10 bills to commercial banks. In the next few days, those bills will start showing up in cash registers around the country.

Innuendo Overload...

Drunk driver caught going backward? WTF?

A 52-year-old Waupaca man is in jail facing felony drunken driving charges after police found him driving his car in reverse on a city street.

Daniel Nordell told police the transmission in his car had gone out and he was only able to drive in reverse.

Authorities said a records check found Nordell has 12 previous drunken driving convictions dating back to 1994 in California and Nevada as well as Waupaca, Waushara and Dodge counties in Wisconsin.

He was stopped shortly before 8 p.m. Thursday near the intersection of Western Avenue and State 49. Nordell was arrested and placed in jail on charges of felony drunk driving and on a probation violation, according to police.

Wow, uh dumb-ass move huh? Article here.

Can you find the cat?

Teen takes test photos using cell phone

A Manatee County high school student could face up to a year behind bars for using his camera phone to snap photos of the state's standardized test.

If prosecutors pursue charges, the unidentified Southeast High School student could also face a $1,000 fine. But nobody thinks it will go that far.

School district spokeswoman Margi Nanney calls the incident "almost hilarious and ridiculous at some level." But Nanney also notes that they're serious about the test.

State law prohibits students from bringing things like cameras and cell phones into the testing area for the Florida Comprehensive Achievement Test. Cheating is considered a misdemeanor.

The state uses the FCAT to grade schools grades and determine funding. If the state determines that a student or teacher cheated, it could toss out an entire school's batch of tests.

If this was the SAT or ACT, I could understand the strict implications behind the suggested punishment. However, since this is nothing compared to some of the cheating I remember seeing/hearing in college and high school- it’s hard for me to swallow the fact he might be in jail for a year. Some of the calculator programs (TI-83) that you can now use to solve math problems are pretty insane. I still think this guy should get a severe punishment- but jail time might be a little ‘over-the-top’. Article here.

A chair made out of shotgun shells...

Check out this chair made by Alexander Reh. The meat of the chair consists of 450 .12 gauge shotgun shells. The brass ends of the shells ‘supposedly’ create a massaging texture. I think I’ll settle with my plain cloth couch I already have at home rather than lethal shotgun shells any day of the week. However, it looks pretty f*ckin sweet.

[via Fully Loaded]

Man finds, returns 3.5 carat diamond ring!

Marlene Kiraly asked her husband to hide the 3 ½ karat, uninsured diamond ring her mother gave her just before she died 23 years ago. Problem was, he did such a good job no one could remember where it was.

That was until John Kilcooley was renovating a bathroom in his home last month. Tucked away in a bag, behind a light fixture, Kilcooley found a 3 ½ karat diamond ring.

Instead of keeping it, he tracked down the home's previous owner who sold the house in 2004. His wife called Kiraly and asked if she lost something during the move.

"She started crying and said her mother's ring," John Kilcooley said. "We could have sold the ring, but if I would have lost something or she would have lost something, we'd want somebody to track us down."

The Kiralys unsuccessfully searched the house before they moved and have tried numerous ways to jog their memory.

"I went to a psychic a month ago to find out where the ring is, and she said my husband hid it really well and I would find it," Kiraly, 48, of Lake Worth said.

As a reward, the Kiralys said they would fix the Kilcooleys' hurricane-damaged outdoor screens.

I can’t imagine how furious this guy’s wife was when he first told her he didn’t remember where he put it. I mean honestly- this is one of those things you can’t ‘weasel’ your way out of. He probably slept in the garage for a month... maybe even a year? Well, atleast they found it... Article here.

This guy loves newspapers. Not the information, just the feel of them.

Band's name causes bomb scare...?

Authorities shut down four buildings at Ohio University after a police officer noticed a sticker that said "this bike is a pipe bomb" before finding out the message was the name of a Florida punk rock band.

Police noticed the sticker on a bicycle early Thursday, then blocked streets around a university-owned restaurant where it was found, spokesman Jack Jeffery said. A bomb squad came from Columbus, about 65 miles away.

The bomb squad pried apart the bike with a hydraulic device normally used to rescue accident victims trapped in cars, acting Athens Fire Chief Ken Gilbraith said. Once they had it open, they saw there was no bomb.

The buildings were reopened after about two hours. Dean of Students Terry Hogan asked that fans of the Pensacola, Fla., band be more careful when showing support in the future.

University police interviewed the bike's owner and later released him, Jeffery said. Athens police were still investigating. Article here.