Wednesday, March 15, 2006

1 devil picture of a evil baby = 7 even better photoshopped pictures

Overheard on the streets of New York:

Chick #1: Oh, you're wearing your hair open today!
Chick #2: "Open"?
Chick #1: Well, you know what I mean...
Chick #2: Oh, yeah. It's open like a brothel.
Chick #1: What?
Chick #2: It's open like a brothel.
-Barnard College

Guy #1: She be sucking my dick, and she all in a motherfuckin' hurry and shit. She gotta take it easy, she got to slow down.
Guy #2: No, no, no. Shit. She's got to savor the flavor. Yeah.
-27th & 8th

Guy #1: I'm thinking of doing bio-medical engineering.
Guy #2: Isn't that where people create animals--
Guy #1: No, you dumbass film major.
-Hayden Hall Residence, Washington Square West

One big-ass rice crispy treat

"I told them to send an ambulance because I was going to die. I knew I was going to die"

A motorist was trapped in his car driving at almost 130 MPH for 60 miles after the accelerator jammed.
Kevin Nicolle, 25, was unable to stop the automatic BMW going at top speed after the malfunction on the A1. His terrifying journey, which was followed by four police cars and a helicopter, ended when he smashed the car into a roundabout, flipping it on its roof. Amazingly, the former lorry driver walked away from the accident uninjured.

"The whole thing was just a blur," he said. "I can't get it out of my head. I was terrified, hysterical and crying. "It's a miracle I didn't collide with another vehicle or cause a pile-up, but I had a lot of close shaves with lorries and cars and swerved about trying to avoid them."

Mr Nicolle was driving back from friends in Newcastle to his home in Southsea, Hants, last Sunday, when the accelerator on his automatic BMW 318 jammed. He then traveled 60 miles in 26 minutes, passing through three counties.
"I had been driving for quite a while when I realized the accelerator pedal was stuck down," he said. "I had gone into the fast lane and I couldn't get the pedal off the floor. I used my hands-free phone and tried the AA to ask them what to do.

"At that point I wasn't panicking because I jammed my foot on the brake and that was keeping the speed to a steady 70mph. I told the AA I couldn't slow down. I thought they might be able to give me some advice but they told me to hang up straight away and phone the police. I dialed 999 and spoke to a woman and by this time I was starting to panic because the speed of the car had increased to 100mph."

"My brakes were burning out and starting to fail - that's when the speed really started to build," he said. "I could see the speed building to 120mph or 130mph. I remember starting to shake and freeze up. I was really panicking and broke into tears. I couldn't help it because I thought I was definitely going to die.

"I was trying to slip the car into neutral but because the car was over-revving and red-lining I couldn't do it. I couldn't turn off the ignition because it would have disabled the power steering and made it even more dangerous. I was even shouting at the other drivers to get out of the way, I was getting hysterical. The traffic was getting heavier and I had to take drastic measures. I overtook someone on the verge outside the fast lane and police told me to get on to the hard shoulder. But I passed three or four slip roads and at one point I nearly T-boned someone trying to get on from the slip road.”

"I told them to send an ambulance because I was going to die. I knew I was going to die."

Mr Nicolle overturned the car at the Blyth roundabout near Worksop. Nottinghamshire police confirmed his version of events.

A spokesman for BMW, which wants to examine the wrecked car, said: "We are unaware of any issues of that nature with that particular model." Article here.

Brad and Angelina's wedding is on a boat

Reports are saying that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have arranged to get married on a boat next week. Close friends of the couple say that the two are going to get married in the middle of Lake Como in northern Italy.
The original plan was to get married at George Clooney's house, but it looks like the boat is a pretty sure thing. And hey, they can hire this guy if George can't come.

Who really knows for sure anymore? Who cares? They are going to get married soon, that's the only thing certain. We all just want her to give birth to this baby so we can start judging whether or not it's the hottest baby ever born.
[via DarkHat]

Here are some awesome household tips:

· A sealed envelope - Put in the freezer for a few hours, then slide a knife under the flap. The envelope can then be resealed. (hmmmmmm...)
· For icy door steps in freezing temperatures: get warm water and put Dawn dishwashing liquid in it. Pour it all over the steps. They won't refreeze. (wish I had known this for the last 40 years!)
· To remove old wax from a glass candleholder, put it in the freezer for a few hours. Then take the candleholder out and turn it upside down. The wax will fall out.
· Crayon marks on walls? This worked wonderfully! A damp rag, dipped in baking soda. Comes off with little effort (elbow grease that is!).
· Permanent marker on appliances/counter tops (like store receipt BLUE!) rubbing alcohol on paper towel.
· Blood stains on clothes? Not to worry! Just pour a little hydrogen peroxide on a cloth and proceed to wipe off every drop of blood. Works every time! Now, where to put the body? LOL
· Use vertical strokes when washing windows outside and horizontal for inside windows. This way you can tell which side has the streaks. Straight vinegar will get outside windows really clean. Don't wash windows on a sunny day. They will dry too quickly and will probably streak.
· Spray a bit of perfume on the light bulb in any room to create a lovely light scent in each room when the light is turned on.
· Place fabric softener sheets in dresser drawers and your clothes will smell freshly washed for weeks to come. You can also do this with towels and linen.
· Candles will last a lot longer if placed in the freezer for at least 3 hours prior to burning.
· To clean artificial flowers, pour some salt into a paper bag and add the flowers. Shake vigorously as the salt will absorb all the dust and dirt and leave your artificial flowers looking like new! Works like a charm!
· To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stove top.

Click here to see the full list, (via Bits & Pieces).

Honey, I'm going to the drive-in church

Husband and wife blow up their house?

A couple were recovering separately after a marital spat got out of control and saw them firing guns, throwing knives and hurling homemade bombs, Mexican daily Milenio said yesterday.

In scenes taken straight out of hit romantic comedy Mr and Mrs. Smith starring Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, Juan Espinosa and Irma Contreras fought until their house blew up in a homemade gasoline bomb explosion, the paper said.
Police called to the home in the indigenous Mayan Indian town of Oxkutzcab in the southeastern state of Yucatan arrested Mr Espinosa. Ms Contreras was taken to hospital with third-degree burns.
A local police official confirmed the report but declined to provide further information.

In the violence-filled movie about the fictional Smiths, Pitt and Jolie play married assassins ordered to kill each other.

Mr Espinosa told reporters he was glad his wife had suffered burns, while Ms Contreras said said she was only sorry she had not "hacked off his manhood" during the fight. Article here.

How the hell did this even happen?

(click here to see more pictures)

Apparently marijuana is bad for you...?

People who regularly smoke marijuana may find their memories growing hazy over time, a study published Monday suggests.

In a study of long-term and shorter-term marijuana users, researchers in Greece found that both groups performed more poorly on tests of memory, attention and other cognitive abilities than a comparison group who'd only occasionally used the drug.

Long-term users - who'd smoked four or more joints per week for at least 10 years - showed the greatest deficits.

The findings, published in the journal Neurology, add to the conflicting body of research on the effects of marijuana on the brain. While many studies have suggested that long-time pot smoking dulls memory, attention span and mental acuity, some have found no large differences in these skills between marijuana users and non-users.

The study included 40 marijuana users ages 17 to 49 who were in a drug abuse treatment program; all had used the drug frequently for at least five years, but half -- those considered long-term users -- had smoked for 10 years or more. They were compared with 24 adults the same age who had used pot no more than 20 times in their lives.

Overall, both long- and shorter-term marijuana users performed more poorly on tests of memory, attention and mental-processing speed. The proportion of study participants deemed "impaired," according to the researchers, was highest in the long-term group and lowest in the comparison group.

Is anyone else not surprised by the results of this test? I mean, why is it that people waste their time and money researching things like this. Pot is bad. By no means is it generally good for you. People actually think otherwise? Those people were probably high when they thought that. Read the full article here.

Woman grows world's largest mango

A woman says she has grown the world's heaviest mango, a more than 5-pound tropical fruit that is roughly the size of a human head.

Colleen Porter has a certificate from the Guinness Book of World Records for her 5-pound, 7-ounce mango. The fruit is a Keitt mango, which typically reach 2 to 3 pounds.

Virginia Easton-Smith, West Hawaii agricultural extension agent for the University of Hawaii, who helped with the submission to Guinness, confirmed the record.

The mango was picked in mid-October and still sits in Porter's refrigerator. Porter, who tends a small avocado and mango orchard, covered the fruit with a bag to prevent insects, birds and rodents from gnawing on it and kept vigil for two months.

Homeless Pimp My Ride:

(click image to watch video)

Motorcyclist arrested for going 155-MPH

A motorcyclist was booked for reckless operation of a vehicle after state troopers clocked him zooming down a highway going 155 mph.

Brian Samuel Willis, 20, of Ponchatoula, also faces charges of flight from an officer and speeding, authorities said. The posted speed limit was 70 mph.

"He just said he didn't think he was going that fast and he didn't know we were behind him," Trooper Ryan Riley said. "He thought he was only doing 120 or 130."

A judge refused to set bond for Willis until Tuesday, Riley said. "I think she is going to let him spend a few days in jail," he said.

He thought he was only doing 120 mph? Did he think 120 mph was an OK speed to be driving? Damn that’s fast. I’d be worried that my tires might blow-out and I’d fly like 3000 feet in the air into a tree. I guess a couple of days in jail is fair punishment for this. Whatever. Article here.