Monday, June 05, 2006

The most amazing hole-in-one of all-time

Imagine if you were driving this car…

Overheard on the streets of New York:

Vendor: I hate customers like you, with your big bills for a 95-cent drink.
Ghetto thug: I could always shoot your old ass, and have the soda for free if that makes making change any easier.
-207th & Broadway

Hot chick: So, I just wanted to let you know I'm just coming out of a relationship.
Buff dude: Oh. Well, then I should tell you that I used to be a stripper in Chicago.
Hot chick: Hmm...I have herpes.
Buff dude: That's ok, I have two cats.
-Scruffy Duffy's, 8th Ave between 46th & 47th

Coach lecturing a mesmerized group of prefrosh: I am able to diagnose psychological issues very accurately because I used to suffer from them myself. So, for example, your typical goth girl will have below-average self-esteem. Girls who dance with their hands above their heads or who are obsessed about their purses date a lot and also suffer from low self-esteem.
-Downtown 1 train, 86th Street

Guy 1: What did you do this weekend?
Guy 2: Masturbate. You?
-Union Square theater

Girl #1: I wish I was anorexic.
Girl #2: I'm going to punch you so that your head ricochets against that door.
-F train

The old lady and the pedestrian...

(thanks trent)

A woman's 10 sex commandments

1. The size doesn't count. Battery voltage does.

2. "Including the balls" is the only solution to the ultimate question: "How the F*** did he measure 8.2 inches (21 cm)?"

3. You woke up naked in a strange apartment, next to an empty vodka bottle and a web-cam? Hooray! Finally you will get some results when you google your name.

4. We are not claiming that it's worth the effort, but you should know that fat guys try harder.

5. No, "Take out the garbage" doesn't count as "dirty talking".

6. It is cool to perform in diverse positions, but if god would have wanted you that way He would have created you as a paper clip.

7. If he insists on cumming on your face, goggles are a legitimate demand.

8. We have no problem with "doggy," but what has "style" got to do with it?

9. Your boyfriend bought a red Speedo and started to grow a mustache? We hope that you are a friendly person, since you're going to an orgy.

10. When you’re waiting for him in his T-shirt, it’s cute. But when he’s waiting for you in your T-shirt, it’s time to start worrying.

Nice jeans...? WTF is going on here?

Grandparents pay $100 to kill grandkids?

Two grandparents in Lake County, Fla., were arrested for allegedly offering a hit man $100 to kill their three grandchildren, daughter-in-law and the family's pet dog.

Lake County deputies said Robert Jackson, 60, and his wife, Versie, 59, traveled to a Best Western hotel Tuesday to meet a hit man- who was an undercover law enforcement officer.

"(The couple) met with the so-called hit man, where they paid the hit man $100 in cash as a down payment for the murder of the wife and her three children," Lake County Sheriff's Office spokeswoman Christie Mysinger said.
"According to an arrest affidavit, Versie Jackson made contact with the undercover agent while her husband stayed in the car because he was reportedly too afraid the meet the person who would kill his grandchildren and daughter-in-law," Local 6 reporter Louis Bolden said.

The couple was taken into custody after the money was exchanged. After an investigation, authorities said the couple's son, Jason Jackson, 31, concocted the alleged murder-for-hire plan from jail and asked his parents to seal the deal, Bolden said.

The daughter-in-law, Karen Jackson, was shocked to hear about the plan to kill her, her children and pet dog, according to Local 6 News. Jackson said after her husband's arrest last year, her in-laws stopped speaking with her. She said she plans to testify against her husband and both in-laws. Both grandparents remain in the Lake County Jail without bond. Article here.

It’s the thought that counts right?

10 Things To Make You Want to Puke:

Taken from http://www.americaninventorspot.com/node/1121:

10. Squid Ink Flavoured Ice Cream
"Squid Ink Ice Cream -- If the idea of Squid Gut ice cream seems unpalatable, perhaps this Squid Ink flavor is more of a tentacled taste-bud tantalizer."
See it here.

9. Purple Honey Flavoured Sausages

"Purplo's, The Honey Cocktail Sausage made from beef and mutton which is mildly flavoured with spices and added honey, filled into a narrow 22mm Purple casing and cooked. To be served piping hot." See it here.

8. Musk Flavoured Lifesavers
See it here.

7. Chocolate Covered Cockroaches
"We don’t know about you, but the first thing we think when we catch a cockroach skittering across a kitchen floor? CHOCOLATE. In fact, there’s no grub worm, slug, or grasshopper we wouldn’t like to see smothered in the gooey good stuff. Now there’s some good-eatin’. How about you?" See it here.

6. Crushed Pearls in Lillipop
"Made from, raw cane sugar, wild Madagascan vanilla essence, and ground natural pearls. Pearl is said to be an aphrodisiac so why not spice up your love live or give it to someone as a subtle hint."See it here.

5. Regurgitated by a Weasel Coffee Beans
"Made from coffee beans that are regurgitated by weasels. The beans are then harvested (picked up) to make this fine flavoured coffee."See it here.

4. King Snake Soaked Whiskey
"Real Californian King Snake whiskey is infused with a farm real farm raised Real Californian King snake, ginseng roots and seed pods. The whiskey is left for several months, which then imparts a unique flavour into the whiskey, it is quite an acquired taste. The story is that this is used in SE Asia as a very strong Aphrodisiac; and it also has many medical uses..." See it here. Also Scorpion and Snake wine.

3. Preserved Ant Eggs
"Weaver Ants eggs a highly prized delicacy in Thailand. Weaver ants produce their eggs only once a year during the cooler months December to January, during this time, the time consuming, and sometimes painful task, of collecting the eggs take place, they are then wrapped in bannana leaves and sold on local markets. These eggs are huge! Some pieces are egg-shaped; others are almost shaped like ants, they have a soft and jelly like texture. The eggs have a creamy and nutty flavour and are commonly served in spicy salads; they can also be served on toast and even taste great served on tortilla chips. Our bottles of preserved weaver ants eggs contain over 200 eggs, they need to be cooked before serving." See it here.

2. Crispy Roasted Larvlets
"Yes, worms for your snacking enjoyment in three mouth-watering flavors: BBQ, Cheddar Cheese. and Mexican Spice. Packed with vitamins, minerals, and dirt, experience the amazing taste sensation of roasted larvae.... just kidding about the dirt.... these are very clean larvae, except of the sprinkling of spices..."
See it here.

1. Giant Water Bugs in a Rich Thai Red Curry Sauce
"These large and powerful insects are as adept at swimming as they are at flying. Eaten as a delicacy and found in Thai and Chinese markets, these insects bear the nickname toe-biters and are capable of inflicting a painful stab with their sharpened front beak. These bugs feed on other aquatic insects, tadpoles and even small fish, injecting them with a powerful toxin and digestive juice that allows the bug to suck up the contents at will. They are also known for their snorkel-like breathing tubes at the end of their abdomen.Eating instructions; Remove exoskeleton and then eat everything except the head and legs, try dipping them in your favourite sauce and enjoy!"
See it here.

Cool lookin' monkey dude!

Kung Fu dude tries to stop speeding train

A 17-year-old boy surnamed Liang almost died when he tried to use a kung fu movement to stop a running train in Laibin Railway Station in South China's Guangxi Zhuang Autonomous Region on Tuesday, Nanguo Jinbao reported.

Liang was pushed to safety by a railway policeman just as he was about to be knocked down. Liang jumped down to the tracks and wanted to use Xianglongshibazhang, a famous kung fu posturing described in many swordsman fictions, to stop the running train.

He was taken into custody for breaking railway rules and said he wanted to test whether or not he could use kung fu to stop the train. Liang is a great fan of swordsman fiction and has also learnt martial arts. Article here.

I got a My Space request from this guy...

Pilot finds surprise in cockpit: a snake

Monty Coles was 3,000 feet in the air when he discovered a stowaway peeking out at him from the plane's instrument panel: a 4 1/2-foot snake.

Coles was taking a leisurely flight over the West Virginia countryside in his Piper Cherokee last weekend and was preparing to land in Ohio when the snake revealed itself. "Nothing in any of the manuals ever described anything like this," said the 62-year-old Cross Lanes resident. But advice given 25 years earlier from his flight instructor sprung to mind: "No matter what happens, fly the plane."

Coles attempted to swat the snake but it fell to the pilot's feet, then darted to the other side of the cockpit. While maintaining control of the single-engine plane with one hand, Coles grabbed the reptile behind its head with his other.

"There was no way I was letting that thing go," he said. "It coiled all around my arm, and its tail grabbed hold of a lever on the floor and started pulling."

The next step was to radio for emergency landing clearance. "They came back and asked what my problem was," he said. "I told them I had one hand full of snake and the other hand full of plane. They cleared me in."

After a smooth landing, Coles posed for pictures with the snake, then let it loose. Article here.

Taylor Hick's high school pictures:

Another teacher has sex with a student...

A first-year Texas Hebron High School teacher and former Miss Texas contestant faces up to 20 years in jail after an 18-year-old student told police he had sex with the 25-year-old woman several times at her apartment in Austin Ranch.
Amy McElhenney, who taught Spanish and was a cross-country coach at the Lewisville ISD school in Carrollton, is charged with having an improper relationship with a student, a second-degree felony. She was arrested on May 25, the last day of school, posted $5,000 bail and was released.

According to an arrest warrant affidavit, another student sent an anonymous note last month to Hebron's resource police officer that indicated Ms. McElhenney's cellphone contained "intimate" text messages to and from the 18-year-old.

When police interviewed Ms. McElhenney at the school, she allowed them to view the text messages. "Messages that were on there led us to believe there was a little bit more going on between the teacher and this student," said Carrollton police Sgt. David Sponhour.
When interviewed at home, the student gave police a written statement in which he said he and Ms. McElhenney had sex on "numerous occasions" at her apartment. He told police their alleged relationship began in February.

Ms. McElhenney was charged under a law that outlaws sexual relationships between educators and students even if the sex is consensual and the student is of legal age. In Texas, the age of consent is 17. Article here.

Sweet radio-controlled airplane demo!

Lindsay Lohan has a shopping addiction

MSNBC is reporting that Lindsay Lohan spent over $1 million on clothes last year. Lohan, who has been known to spend $100 thousand in a day on clothes, has now worked up a pretty big bill.

According to stylist Rachel Zoe: “Her closets are overflowing with things like $8,000 Prada dresses and $2,000 Balenciaga bags. She has so many clothes, she never even wears some of them!” To be fair, Lohan's publicist did fire back saying that this was: "A bunch of crap, Lindsay loves clothes, but the idea that she spent that much last year is completely stupid.”

She may not have spent a million dollars last year, but the truth remains she still spends a whole hell of a lot more than the average person. We're all really jealous. Admit it. Who wouldn't want to blow 1k on a t-shirt every once and while? Article here.

Check out his mouse cord... busted!

Tomorrow is going to be 6-6-06 = hell day

HELL, Michigan - They're planning a hot time in Hell on Tuesday. This week comes the day 6-6-06, or abbreviated as 666 — a number that carries hellish significance. And there's not a snowball's chance in Hell that the day will go unnoticed in the unincorporated hamlet 60 miles west of Detroit.

Nobody is more fired up than John Colone, the town's self-styled mayor and owner of a souvenir shop. "I've got `666' T-shirts and mugs. I'm only ordering 666 (of the items) so once they're gone, that's it," said Colone, also known as Odum Plenty. "Everyone who comes will get a letter of authenticity saying you've celebrated June 6, 2006, in Hell."

Most of Colone's wares will sell for $6.66, including deeds to one square inch of Hell.

"We're all about having fun here. I don't think we're going to get the cult crowd, the devil worshippers or anything like that," said Hickey, whose bar's signature concoction is the Bloody Devil, a variant of the Bloody Mary.

Colone, meanwhile, has been in touch with radio stations as far away as San Diego and Seattle that are raffling off trips to Hell in honor of 6-6-6.


"Now, here I am living in Hell, taking my kids to church and trying to teach them the right things and the town where we live is having a 6-6-6 party," he said.

According to the town's semiofficial Web site, there are two leading theories about how Hell got its name. The first holds that a pair of German travelers stepped out of a stagecoach one sunny afternoon in the 1830s, and one said to the other, "So schoene hell" — roughly translated as, "So bright and beautiful." Their comments were overheard by some locals and the name stuck.

The second holds that George Reeves was asked after Michigan gained statehood what he thought the town he helped settle should be called, and reportedly replied, "I don't care, you can name it Hell if you want to." The name became official on Oct. 13, 1841. Article here.