Thursday, May 25, 2006

Looks like your shirt got drunker than you

Womans toes licked by man under her car

Police in Tulsa, Okla., are searching for a man who hid under a woman's car at a Wal-Mart parking lot and then licked her toes as she loaded groceries into the vehicle, according to a report.

The woman said she was at the Tulsa Wal-Mart located near 81st Street and Lewis when she felt her toes being licked. She assumed it was a dog but when she looked down, she saw it was a man lying under her vehicle.

"I felt something lick my foot," the woman said. "I looked at him and I said, 'What in the hell are you doing?' And that's exactly what I said, 'What are you doing?'"

The culprit got up and ran away before police arrived at the scene.

The woman said the man who licked her toes is Hispanic or Indian, about 5-foot-9 and weighs 150 pounds. He was wearing a black t-shirt and blue jeans.

The victim filed a police report and a witness also saw it happen. A Tulsa County assistant district attorney said if the man is caught, he'll face a misdemeanor charge of battery or outraging public decency. Article here.

Damn these guys are good at ping-pong

Teens inhale aerosol, ignite flames in car?

Three teenagers were burned Saturday, one critically, when an aerosol spray they were inhaling to become intoxicated burst into flame inside their car, authorities said.
Two boys, aged 16 and 15, and a 15-year-old girl were in a parked car "inhaling aerosol spray for the purpose of euphoria" when one of them began smoking, said Brian Humphrey of the Los Angeles Fire Department.

The flame ignited the aerosol, resulting in a "fireball" inside the car, he said.

The girl was taken to Huntington Memorial Hospital where she was listed in critical condition with burns to 27 percent of her body, including her arms, back, and face.

The boys were listed in fair condition, he said. Article here.

Jennifer Anniston: Then & Now

24 TV show fans will find this hilarious:

*The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.

*1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

*Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.

*If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's fucking beef.

*Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."

*When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.

*When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."

*Only Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.

*Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.

Click here to read the full top 100 Jack Bauer list.

He can't find his underwear

Teacher has sex with student on field trip?

A world history teacher is out of jail after she was arrested on Monday for allegedly having sex with a 16-year-old male student last month during a field trip.

Janet Klatt, 44, was arrested and charged with sexual activity between a school personnel member and a student, a felony offense. Klatt, who was released on a $5,000 bond Monday afternoon, is not charged with statutory rape because the victim turned 16 in March.

Investigators said Klatt, a native of Zimbabwe who taught at a private school in Concord, N.C., called The Cannon School, was discovered having sex with the student at the Clarion Hotel on Hillsborough Street during the overnight trip on April 28-29.

Klatt had no comment on the charges against her. As a condition of her release, she surrendered her passport and is not to have any contact with the student.

Although there is no evidence that the student was forced to have sex, it is illegal in North Carolina for a teacher to have sex with a student.

"Consent doesn't enter into this," said Raleigh police spokesman Jim Sughrue. "That type of relationship is specifically forbidden by law regardless of what the surrounding circumstances might be."

Concord police are also investigating Klatt to determine whether similar crimes may have taken place in their jurisdiction. If they find any sex acts between the teacher and student occurred when the boy was 15 or younger, she could face more charges, which could include statutory rape.

Cannon School Board of Directors head John Robbins confirmed with WRAL that Klatt is no longer teaching, but would not say whether she resigned or was fired. He did say, however, that the school conducted a background check prior to hiring her.

Klatt lives with her husband and children in a neighborhood called the Highland Creek Golf Club. Neither she nor her family are shedding any light on exactly what happened in Raleigh.

Klatt's next court appearance is scheduled for Tuesday in Wake County. Article here.

This is the coolest seal I’ve ever seen

Real suicide notes, really chilling to read:

These suicide notes were gathered at the coroners' offices by a suicidologist/psychiatrist who asked to be anonymous. All these people did kill themselves. Were they ambivalent about it? About half the hundred or so letters we saw seemed to have some element of doubt.

Single female, age 21, Letter #1:
My dearest Andrew,

It seems as if I have been spending all my life apologizing to you for things that happened whether they were my fault or not.

I am enclosing your pin because I want you to think of what you took from me every time you see it.

I don't want you to think I would kill myself over you because you're not worth any emotion at all. It is what you cost me that hurts and nothing can replace it.

Click here to read more real suicide notes...

Why bong beer from a donkey? Why not?

On camera: SUV rolls 10 times in crash

A dashboard camera recording from an Oakland County sheriff's patrol car captured a dramatic rollover accident about 20 miles east of Lansing, Michigan on Monday afternoon.

The Ingham County Sheriff's Office said a car swerved toward an SUV to avoid a merging car. Emily Bowness, 29, was driving her SUV next to the car that swerved, forcing her toward the median.

Police said her SUV slid off the roadway. She tried to correct and then came back across the road. That's when her vehicle flipped and rolled about 10 times.

Bowness was treated and released at a hospital. Authorities said her seatbelt likely saved her life. Police released the video hoping the public has information to help them identify the driver of the vehicle that caused the accident. Click here to see the article, and look on the right side for the link to watch the video.

Stevie, uh- er- we can’t hear you

Meter maid writes tons of fake parking tickets

A city traffic agent has been charged with writing dozens of fraudulent parking tickets- sometimes while sitting in her car miles away from the bogus violations she cited.

Queens prosecutors said Nivea Cloud is accused of writing 27 tickets in three hours in seven locations on May 12. They said she invented infractions just one to four minutes apart in the same place.
Cloud was seen sitting in her police car- parked in a handicapped spot- more than a mile away from where the vehicles cited on her tickets supposedly were illegally parked.

Cloud was arraigned Tuesday on charges including official misconduct and falsifying business records. She could face up to four years in prison if convicted. Article here.

This "crazed numa fan", kinda scary?

Statistically, Iraq is a safe place to visit...

Rep. Steve King, a Republican of Iowa, on C-span last week:

"...the violent death rate in Iraq is 25.71 per 100,000. That may sound high, but not when you compare it to places like Colombia 61.7" per 100,000 death rate, violent death rate. South Africa, has a higher violent death rate per 100,000: 49.6 per 100,000.
Even Jamaica has a higher violent death rate than does Iraq: 32.4, and Venezuela comes in at 31.6 violent deaths per 100,000. "How about the violent death rates in American cities? New Orleans before Hurricane Katrina was 53.1," violent death rate per 100,000. "FBI statistics for 2004-05 have Washington" DC's violent death rate at 45.9 per 100,000; Baltimore at 37.7 per 100,000, and Atlanta at 34.9 per 100,000. The figure again from Iraq, 25.71 per 100,000, and that includes the war.

So Iraq, I mean, if you're just going to roll the dice and take your chances, Iraq's a much safer place to go than Washington or Jamaica or New Orleans pre-Katrina, or Venezuela!

(thanks matt)

Farm humor?

Real Retirement Planning:

*If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

*With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.

*With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink
heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan.

(thanks Taylor)