Overheard on the streets of New York:

Joking clerk to bitter man holding wife's purse: Nice purse.
Man: Thanks. It came free with the relationship and subsequent castration.
-Fashion Ave

Kindly gent: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Little kid: Retarded!
Kindly gent: Retarded?
Little kid: My grandpa is retarded, and he gets to play and watch TV all day!
Kindly gent: [Stunned silence.]
Kid's mom, embarrassed: He means 'retired.'
Little kid: Retarded! Retarded! Retarded! I wanna be retarded! [Starts to cry.]
-Washington & Water St

Junior analyst #1: I know this guy who is such a typical I-banker -- works a hundred hours a week on Wall Street and spends the rest of his time on strippers and coke.
Junior analyst #2: That's so '80s!
Junior analyst #1: Totally '80s!
-LaGuardia Delta shuttle

History teacher: So, Jane*, why haven't you enlisted in the US military?
Asian bimbette: Um, because you can't shop in Iraq.
-High school, Brooklyn

Girl #1: I'd totally teabag him! Wait, what's the female equivalent of teabag?
Girls #2 & #3: Hmmm...
Queer #1: I dunno -- what do you call it when someone dangles lunch meat in your face?
Queer #2: Roast beef curtains?
Girls: Ewww!
Queer #1: No, no, wait! It's a cold cut swipe!
Everyone: Ewww!
-JFK

Suit #1: She's smart, funny, beautiful... What more could you ask for?
Suit #2: Yeah, but she probably votes. I don't like women that vote.
-Union Station

Asian boy: Why are you wearing a belt over your shirt?
Asian girl: I don't know. I like the way it looks.
Asian boy: Belts are supposed to hold your pants up. It can't hold anything up if it's over your shirt.
Asian girl: It's fashion, okay?! My god!
Asian boy: ... I hope your pants fall down!
-Stuyvesant High

Lady: I had the worst experience at that restaurant.
Friend: What did you have?
Lady: Horrible diarrhea.
Friend: I meant, what did you order?
-51st & 8th

Dude: I'm sorry. I feel like I'm talking too much.
Chick: It's okay -- I like to hear you talk.
Dude: Well, I like to hear you listen.
-9th & 2nd

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