Overheard on the streets of New York:

Cop #1 to kid holding paper towels to his bleeding head: Lemme see your head, man. [Kid shows him the gash.] Holy shit!
Kid: What the fuck, man?! Aren't you supposed to be comforting me or some shit?!
Cop #1: Sorry! Well, at least you're coherent.
Cop #2: At this point, with that gash, you could light up a joint and I wouldn't tell.
-9th St, between Ave A & B

Guy #1: So, I heard this blowjob technique that sounds pretty cool, but I don't know how to tell my girlfriend without sounding pushy.
Guy #2: Well, maybe I could do it for you.
Guy #1: Dude... That's gay.
Guy #2: No! I meant I could tell your girlfriend for you, not do it to you!
Guy #1: Oh... Well, that's just awkward, then.
-A train

Pilot: For those of you seated on the left, if you look out of your window you can see the beautiful Manhattan skyline. For those seated on the right... thank you for flying United.
-Flight to Newark

Chick: Whoa, you were married?
Guy: Yup. Six years.
Chick: What happened?
Guy: Ummm... We were too different.
Chick: Different how?
Guy: Well, I'm the kind of person who wanted to pay off all his med school bills and live abroad for a few years. She's the kind of person who wanted to fuck other guys.
Chick: [Shocked.]
Guy: Hey, you asked.
-F train, York St

Electric guy to himself: Where's my gloves?
Grip guy: Gloves? I don't use gloves. I use my bare hands like a man! Only pussies use gloves. Are you a pussy? Be a man, ya pussy.
Electric guy: But then my skin will get all dry and crack and stuff.
Grip guy: Duh, well, yeah. That's why you have to moisturize.
-Movie set of I Am Legend

20-something girl #1: Why do they call it 'Smart Water'?
20-something girl #2: Because it has electrolytes.
20-something girl #1: But does it make you smarter?
20-something girl #2: No! Does drinking Dr. Pepper make you a doctor? I don't think so!
-6 train

Mother: Honey, what is wrong with your eyes?
Teen daughter: I am stoned.
Mother: You look like you have allergies.
Teen daughter: I am stoned.
Mother: Maybe it's pink eye.
-Central Park
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